Have you ever felt crazy? Stupid question, of course you have! In some way shape or form we all feel crazy and compelled to dispel the rumors. However did you ever stop and think that maybe something contributes to the crazy? Take me for example I can get triggered all types of ways and it isn't a situation I myself can get out of because whats going on with me is weird like usual.
Obsession, a strong word right? That makes us think of stalkers that are madly in like with us and they follow our every move. Or that Mariah Carey video where she tried to diss Eminem. Now I want you too look at obsession in a different way for a second, we might have heard of the term OCD. It maybe has touched our ears one way but do we really know what it means? OCD makes people look just left field, and what I mean by that is it makes the whole world just annoying and out of place. OCD is the reason why I am so adamant about no one touching my stuff. I don't want to have a 10-30 minuet panic attack because you decided that pillow on my bed was cool too pick up and look at it. The worst part of it is, is while I am freaking out you are going to be standing there telling me "chill its just a pillow" when in fact it wasn't a pillow. Its mind numbing chaos you just inflicted on me, my head hurts, skin crawls I can't breathe and I for sure can't pull it together.
So what happens after that? Now let me tell you, now you think I'm crazy and irrational. Now all I'm worried about is horrible I've been perceived and now I curse my OCD for the embarrassment. I can tell you a few stories about how my OCD has raped my social life. From not sitting or talking too certain types of people because their speech pattern makes my life uncomfortable to not allowing certain types of food too mix.The real problem is that no one understands, which is fair because I don't even understand it.All I understood was that there needs to be a way too get triggered less often. 23 years later I still haven't solved that answer too that question. Don't get me wrong I'm trying, always have been. Its more like no one has an answer and that they kinda just tell you to think about other things that don't trigger you,
You know what doesn't trigger me, cupcakes. I like too think of them as a safe haven in a way. Cupcakes are the only thing I can stomach if it, is done incorrectly. You can't hate on cupcakes theres no fucking way. They are way too delicious. Thats not my go too piece of comfort though, I don't really have one of those. Im just glad I am not one of those people who have too flip the light switch a number of times and all of that. Which I did but I meditated and got more comfortable (not exactly true but we are running with it). I did get picked on a lot for it, because it was weird and no-one understood it, however I never let that get me down. I do make sure too keep those negative thoughts away.
I remember I hate getting my room cleaned by other people because it was like, how do they know where I like my stuff? How do they know if I am going too need any of the items in the future? How do they know what too throw away? How did they decide I didn't need anything in the trash? Now picture all of these questions circling in your head as your heart races faster and faster, you start the shake and everything starts too blur, the room is spinning and crashing, and you just break down completely from the overload. Then you start frantically trying too change the situation by finding the trigger and destroying it. Now lets talk about what the outside of the scene looks like. The chaos going on there is, you have your friend standing there looking at you yell at them and scope the room as you shout things that are hurtful, or you could be breaking out in tears screaming at them too get out because you don't want too see them ever again.
That was the best description in my own words how I felt when my OCD gets triggered and a picture of the scene when my OCD starting to flare and I am having a meltdown. Not a pretty scene huh? You probably didn't want too be that persons friend after that huh? well that sucks and welcome too life. All because of a stupid condition that no one could see. Maybe we will get better at this, get better at being people at least thats what I hope. I am usually wrong thats the worst part, because nothing had changed in 9 years so I figured I failed. The question out of this narrative is why I felt the need to explain myself too a group of strangers over the internet? Many reasons now, I still feel guilty and have some type of hurt behind it. Not sure why I haven't moved on yet. Scars hurt you guys, no matter how deep you tried too bury it.
I do want too point out and habit on record that I did finish watching As good as it gets. So I guess you could say that it triggered me a little bit and I wanted just tell the stories from the sad days where my heart is always broken, it still is but I'm getting better at it, just take it day by day and I totally recommend it. Feel free to contact me with any more information you may need regarding this post.
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