Every dog has a day

Please forgive me, I do not know who I am this week.

Let me start by saying Katrina was the cutest girl in school at the time. She had stellar teeth, light-brown hair, and a knockout sense of humor. We will not get into her body because it is not my intention to gross you out. I remember clear as day that she, being the new girl at the time, was not bothered by sitting next to me unlike most people who were. We were in English class and I was top of my class and I guess that is why I was so off putting? No one wanted to sit next to a brain. However with her, she did not care and we would have the wildest conversations about teachers, guys, other classmates and it was great. I even remember her getting talked about a few times because her nose was big, but I did not care obviously). She would not just sit and take it, she would always defend herself and that is what made her down right sexy. I had grown a certain amount of trust in her at this point. She just felt like my first real friend in middle school, aside from my other friends in the background who would put me through verbal abuse from time to time. I will add that them being in the special ed classes made them feel invincible. I cannot blame them to be honest, middle school is definitely hard on them as a whole. I am still not sure why they had me under fire.

Now here we get to the incident. I remember building myself up to tell her, I am talking about doing that thing boys do, give themselves a pep talk in the mirror. Let me throw it in that as a bisexual, I was naive to the fact that other girls do not like other girls, after like hundreds of romance movies I thought girls could love anything sexual preference or not. Turns out like most things I am wrong...I remember we were sitting there in the middle of English class, our teacher stepped out to lecture a student so it was free time. I remember her telling me about her brother Allesandro who I will admit was cute but not like puppy cute, more like I'll never have a chance with you cute so I never pursued him thank goodness. The initial topic was about crushes and she could not really disclose a specific crush she had because there were too many! I am just gonna throw out the fact that in all stupidity I did not realize her entire list was guys! For the life of me I did not notice that dead give away. I just remember her voice being so smooth, that and being the total pervert I was at the time, I was looking down her shirt. She finally looked over at me and asked me who I had a crush on this is the part where I nearly have a heart attack.

I do remember beating around the bush a little bit because my anxiety got the best of me, and I was trying not to panic. As a result, all I remember is my heart in my ears and her smile. So finally I eased it out of my mouth and that threw her off completely, especially when I said, "I like a girl". She had the strangest look on her face and I somewhere in my subconscious I just knew she would not want to be friends after this, but unfortunately at the time my heart was moving faster than my brain. Especially when she replied with "Ew you like girls? I mean that's not bad but like who? Anybody I know?" and this is the part where my whole world comes crashing down like the Cave of Wonders Aladdin got trapped in. "I like you" came rushing out of my mouth without any given thought. To this day I wish I just kept my mouth shut, because ever since then it has been as if something drastically changed in her eyes. In other words, she was completely grossed out but did her best by trying to hide it. It did not really help since she was busy exposing the fact that she was so not into girls, but that it was cute that I liked her. I will be honest that is not what really broke my heart, what broke my heart was that she decided to pass that information around class. Ever since then she did not really sit next to me and people kept asking me why I like girls and how many other girls I liked...let's not forget the whispering in class and the awful notes written about me...etc
Ever since then, I kept my feelings to myself, I would not say I was in love but I will say, that was a major time for me and she went about it all wrong. I think we need to be more sensitive to each other because I went home in tears that day and I never felt so ugly and stupid in my whole life. There have been too many girls I have been afraid to talk to since then, and I still feel like I could have made it with one of them if I did not have to reflect on that moment every time this topic came up. There is a second part to this crazy narrative I just needed to really get this out there as a start. If you have any questions do not hesitate to ask I am always an open book.