I got high once or more.

Now among all the experiences I would say the first time I got high had too be the best. It was really an out of body experience it was a crazy trip, let me walk you through it in this next narrative. I experienced blunts, pipes, wax, weed butter, bongs, home made bongs and all the such when I was making my way through at first.

The very first time I got high was indeed an interesting one. This goes back too living with my sister and the roommate Allen and Eva. I remember before mentioning that they were stoners all they really did was get high, look for new plugs, and watch YouTube with some sweet tea. They weren't really anything new but still at the time they were the cool kids on the block, everybody came to come smoke with them especially my sisters husbands best friend Kayveon. All they ever did was hot box in the bathroom and talk about conspiracies at the time I wasn't really able too join and it sucked. The stuff smelled so good I will admit but for the mean time I took me just not being around it too keep my thoughts of it away and so I never tried it, I was too busy screwing around the neighborhood, playing with stray dogs, taking long useless walks too now where, conversing with the neighbors kids and going to the corner store too buy Ice just so I can sit out front on the front porch and chew ice as I scoped the neighbored for potential friends.

I was busy having sex with Brandon down the block. I was single and making my way through life at the time, so I guess you could say I wasn't dabbling in the life at the time but all of the guys and girls I hung out with smoked so I was starting too feel like I was missing out on something, but then again at that point in my teenage life I was lost anyway. Everything was going smoothly, I was getting laid, I found great people too hang out with and everything was balanced out. Then I had too run into Jack who has been mentioned in previous posts the Domestic violence one too be exact. Now where is it all starting you ask? It all started with the second week me and Jack started hanging out.

The hangouts were cool and so was the talking  especially when came too what getting high felt like, we sat there that night on the front porch sprawled out in his arms because the hit I took off of his blunt was definitely stronger then expected and I kinda felt like I went out of body for a second. I laid there on the ground in his arms and we both listened to the rain, we didn't talk much throughout the whole thing because it seemed kind of odd especially since we didn't know each other. From then on when we were together and after the fact that my sisters boyfriend and caught us outside he decided to discreetly tell everyone that I got high that night and after that it seemed like a right of passage, everyone invited me too their smoker group and it felt amazing, I felt like I was growing up in a way and that now I have a social life and that was the best thing at the moment and I didn't want it too change.

Things at the time were going really well for me and him but over time we did dissolve  and I did keep up with getting high, like with Brandon down the street, but our getting high moments need up with us watching t.v or me giving head in the next room. However we didn't smoke all the time and that's what made it great in my opinion. So all in all me and him didn't really do too much and that was the best part about it all. He was a nice guy but unfortunately for him, he wasn't my type at the time but he had a massive crush on me and he was always trying too win my love. We never worked but he does have a successful relationship this day and age and that makes me happy.

I remember the next few times getting high were a bit different. Some were really intense and always had my mind racing others kept me calm and mellowed out and I guess you could say that the different variables are what made it worth my while, but I did most of my smoking days with Jack who I was barely getting along with at the time, however he did always get high with other neighbors on the floor, one of which had a suicide attempt later on. It was great, things finally felt right. Well too me at least, but In case you did read the other post where I mentioned in Jack in full and how we had a baby and all of the other stuff, you would know at some of these points I was pregnant and we were trying too figure out an abortion method at that point, something of which neither of us were willing too follow through.

It was great while it lasted though, we talked about the wildest things like experiences and what we felt like. We would also run down the way too the local McDonalds down the way and spent as much money as we could. Life was so much simpler then expected I guess you could say. It seemed like when I got high everything was even and leveled out, all my problems seemed too have disappeared, or at least put on pause. I found peace in the center and it was great it even helped me be more precise in my dancing so I couldn't really hate on it. All anybody ever did was sit around get high and talk about the dumbest things and it was the greatest thing ever. 

After that era was over, I caught myself out of the lifestyle for a few years. I had my baby and things were back to being mellow again and that felt nice, but I did start getting high with the roommates again from time too time when I went over there too stay the night or visit.It went the same though after that, it didn't really feel right anymore and I felt like I had fell out of the scene, The next thing that I got into was pills and that wasn't so great. It didn't really make sense but it did to me, it helped me sleep mostly and that was the best part and it did aid too some emotional trouble I was having back then.

All and all I gave up for the mean time until after the next season arrived, and then I was back at it again with my friend Wilson and what we would do is sit in the background and stare at the trees and talk about some of the weirdest things too come too mind and that felt great as well. The problem is was that Wilson was growing feelings for me and some other girl down the street. It turns out it all fell apart because he decided too flee with her back too her hometown and I didn't get too see and hear from him, months at a time. Which sucked because we talked everyday and the dynamic was getting all thrown off, he was a great guy though and last week he did start hitting me up again but this time its too get him her and their family out of a pickle. A pickle I am not sure I am ready to be in if you catch my drift.

All and all the conclusion of my narrative is to just let you know my experiences with the devils lettuce lol I have been wanting too say that through the whole post. If you smoke good for you and those who don't and don't like the idea well great for you as well. I support everyone in their decisions, and I encourage you too do so a well and if you have questions feel free to ask in the comments.

Picture show: Aesthetics Part 1 NSFW

Just a little perspective 

Welcome to Aesthetics's part 1. These images paint a picture and each of them stand for something deeper. I want you to reflect on something within yourself.

I'm not crazy but my O.C.D is.

Have you ever felt crazy? Stupid question, of course you have! In some way shape or form we all feel crazy and compelled to dispel the rumors. However did you ever stop and think that maybe something contributes to the crazy? Take me for example I can get triggered all types of ways and it isn't a situation I myself can get out of because whats going on with me is weird like usual.

Obsession, a strong word right? That makes us think of stalkers that are madly in like with us and they follow our every move. Or that Mariah Carey video where she tried to diss Eminem. Now I want you too look at obsession in a different way for a second, we might have heard of the term OCD. It maybe has touched our ears one way but do we really know what it means? OCD makes people look just left field, and what I mean by that is it makes the whole world just annoying and out of place. OCD is the reason why I am so adamant about no one touching my stuff. I don't want to have a 10-30 minuet panic attack because you decided that pillow on my bed was cool too pick up and look at it. The worst part of it is, is while I am freaking out you are going to be standing there telling me "chill its just a pillow" when in fact it wasn't a pillow. Its mind numbing chaos you just inflicted on me, my head hurts, skin crawls I can't breathe and I for sure can't pull it together.

So what happens after that? Now let me tell you, now you think I'm crazy and irrational. Now all I'm worried about is horrible I've been perceived and now I curse my OCD for the embarrassment. I can tell you a few stories about how my OCD has raped my social life. From not sitting or talking too certain types of people because their speech pattern makes my life uncomfortable to not allowing certain types of food too mix.The real problem is that no one understands, which is fair because I don't even understand it.All I understood was that there needs to be a way too get triggered less often. 23 years later I still haven't solved that answer too that question. Don't get me wrong I'm trying, always have been. Its more like no one has an answer and that they kinda just tell you to think about other things that don't trigger you,

You know what doesn't trigger me, cupcakes. I like too think of them as a safe haven in a way. Cupcakes are the only thing I can stomach if it, is done incorrectly. You can't hate on cupcakes theres no fucking way. They are way too delicious. Thats not my go too piece of comfort though, I don't really have one of those. Im just glad I am not one of those people who have too flip the light switch a number of times and all of that. Which I did but I meditated and got more comfortable (not exactly true but we are running with it). I did get picked on a lot for it, because it was weird and no-one understood it, however I never let that get me down. I do make sure too keep those negative thoughts away.

I remember I hate getting my room cleaned by other people because it was like, how do they know where I like my stuff? How do they know if I am going too need any of the items in the future? How do they know what too throw away? How did they decide I didn't need anything in the trash? Now picture all of these questions circling in your head as your heart races faster and faster, you start the shake and everything starts too blur, the room is spinning and crashing, and you just break down completely from the overload. Then you start frantically trying too change the situation by finding the trigger and destroying it. Now lets talk about what the outside of the scene looks like. The chaos going on there is, you have your friend standing there looking at you yell at them and scope the room as you shout things that are hurtful, or you could be breaking out in tears screaming at them too get out because you don't want too see them ever again.

That was the best description in my own words how I felt when my OCD gets triggered and a picture of the scene when my OCD starting to flare and I am having a meltdown. Not a pretty scene huh? You probably didn't want too be that persons friend after that huh? well that sucks and welcome too life. All because of a stupid condition that no one could see. Maybe we will get better at this, get better at being people at least thats what I hope. I am usually wrong thats the worst part, because nothing had changed in 9 years so I figured I failed. The question out of this narrative is why I felt the need to explain myself too a group of strangers over the internet? Many reasons now, I still feel guilty and have some type of hurt behind it. Not sure why I haven't moved on yet. Scars hurt you guys, no matter how deep you tried too bury it.

I do want too point out and habit on record that I did finish watching As good as it gets. So I guess you could say that it triggered me a little bit and I wanted just tell the stories from the sad days where my heart is always broken, it still is but I'm getting  better at it, just take it day by day and I totally recommend it. Feel free to contact me with any more information you may need regarding this post.

Is it me or are you a bitch?

I think the most interesting topic come up in my day is "why are you such a bitch" and the weird thing is I have never really thought of myself in that manner. I don't think anyone does really and that makes all the more sense if you ask me.

Now growing up I guess you could say I was kinda nice, maybe too nice. I shared my things, when people needed help I'd help them, when people needed someone too talk too I was always there. However I guess you could say that my attitude never caught up with that concept. Somewhere along the lines I accumulated what we call now a "resting bitch face". Most people knew me by my delicate smile and honest and caring ways. They also knew me as someone with a terrible attitude and a smart mouth too go with it, oh and they added a touch of sarcasm just too top things off. I conflicted with just about everyone in someway, and I had a really hard time making a stable set of friends, most of them came and went as the school year progressed and I wasn't sure if I was ready too see what was down the line.

Another concept

We always forget the dynamics of some relationships and we often forget how abstract the world is. Things like life and death are real, and we often don't stop and realize that maybe they have their own special thing going on. Its seems weird and unreal but for all we know it is real. We often doubt things we can't see and can't touch. I didn't realize how weird it was until I actually sat and thought about it. We don't want something thats real, we want something abstract and untouchable. The problem with that is, something we can't see or touch is unsustainable, and its going to break our hearts more then we ever will. Maybe thats what we as kids have been scared of. All we want is someone to love us enough to send gifts when we are so far from ourselves we couldn't bring it to light that we can't send one back because we are scared.

A poem for your thoughts and maybe a penny for mine.

I can't understand the way you are and why you make me cry but here's what I do know you always have a special Knack for making me cry.

Deep inside and so alone you swore we could fly, but little did I know every time we were together you just wanted to die.

Its my fault though for giving faith into every lie. I loved you so much and what it was worth I hid away and let it hurt. 

You were a curse, and what made it worse was that you lingered even after you left. Your voice swimming around my head I just wished I could be deaf.

What we had seemed so real, I couldn't believe someone as cold as you could even feel. Its over now and I'm not to sure I'm able to heal.

It gets better everyday but sometimes I still see your face, and theres nothing to do except regret everything. 

One day you will leave me alone. Until then your arms and everything about you will still be home.

Chik-flick-a-lay.

Okay so how many of you have actually seen a chick flick? Weather it was with the leading lady of your life I.E your mom or your sisters? Significant other maybe? Okay so by the looks of it, I think we all have seen a chick flick weather we wanted too or not. Now this is a narrative about how I took advice from those movies and applied them to real life.

Well I am not sure where I want too start this because I've been watching chick flicks before I even knew off top what it was and what it meant. I know we all hear of the major love stories of our times from, the notebook, sleepless in Seattle, Titanic, Twilight and Somethings gotta give just too name a few. First lets ask ourselves "what is a chick flick and why is this such a thing"? Well let me explain, a chick flick is kinda like those girly sappy movies, where there is lots of kissing and some type of dramatic love story in the background and the couple has too use all of their love too overcome such a hard ship. Beautiful isn't it and you probably had an image of a couple frolicking in the fields I bet. Now I hope you know as well as I do that none of that actually happens in real life and that the whole idea of frolicking is suppose to symbolize something I guess. The sick and twisted thing about it, is that love is out there but it hurts a lot worse then Hollywood makes it out to be and the most unrealistic thing about it is that, no one ever really gets their crush in the end. Think of it as emotional masochism, we do all the chasing for that feel good feeling just to be ditched for someone who's younger and has a smaller pants size. We didn't ask for this but sure as hell manifested it.

I use too love the idea of love and I use to binge on chick flicks nice and heavy. The crazy stories they come with and the ideal that love always prevails made me feel like, it wasn't just the pipe dreams of TV and all these things could be real and brought to life. So naturally being a Pisces I indulged in every girly movie I could get my hands on, and I used the things they did and said  In real life sometimes just too see if things worked out the way the way it did in the film. Now to no avail it didn't work, and so I thought that maybe I was trying too hard. Maybe I didn't have enough heart as the main character did in the first place, so now it was up to me to keep up and figure out. Yeah I know a lot harder then it sounds. I was initially falling behind left and right but I did my best too keep up the witty self deprecating banter I always manage to use and keep myself stable. It was too much and it seemed like every potential mate had something else in store or they didn't pick up on my advances. So the particular suitor in my occasion at this time was Jake, Jake had that hard to get awkward John Cusack thing going on so it was indeed difficult to read the signs but I made sure to always make the advances strong and clear. For example I texted him cute things, I checked on him and gave him gifts. All of which I did learn from these overly saturated love films. Sometimes it worked other times I am sitting in the corner wondering where did I go wrong and is it too late too turn back?

Not everything that I used on Jake worked for him, a previous ex I was half assed in courtship with he liked when I would write him poetry and he responded well to that, he also responded very well too the passionate love making but then again who didn't. It was honestly like TV took all of these ideas and meshed them into one and constantly put you under the impression that all of these come one were going to work on every suitor you found yourself with at the time. Tat wasn't always the case now was it? No one thing worked on two people, that was the best part, it was like something new each time. We all agree that we like new things and when you start a new relationship its like getting a new puppy, if we could we would always make that feeling last forever but it doesn't work like that.

I put myself out there as studied each movie and the hero or the heroine and see what they could've done differently. I remember liking this boy in summer school and the thing about him was that he liked a really witty girl and from there I remember the movie Anger management. That movie had some serious sarcastic banter in it especially on Jack Nicholson's part. From there I remember writing him a letter and I thought the maybe if I wrote him a sarcastic letter that maybe he would find interest in me. After all he did tell me that he never actually seen the movie so I figured that I could get away with it. So I studied the movie inside and out and I wrote everything down and I roped it into this casual, mean, sadistic letter, that I did actually get into trouble for at school. They deemed it inappropriate because of all of the sexual banter. That I didn't get at the time but looking back on it, it was funny. He thought the letter was great though and that was the important thing. The only problem is at the last minuet he decided too let us all know that he had a girlfriend and also had the nerve too shower off at recess. She had just started at our school at the time so it was whatever and from then on I never really let it get too me.

For the most part it all had made sense too me and that's what made me happy. Maybe these movies are right, maybe these were the formula's to attract a mate and stay happy forever with the perfect life. However that wasn't always true because not many of my relationships have been steady. That's what was worrying me and making me feel super inadequate. There hasn't been a perfect mate in my time for the longest, and I was determined too look to the movies to hopefully fish for a perfect mate. I tend to forget that I catch myself slipping and forgetting the fact that these movies weren't real and that these movies were scripted and that everything is already laid out and predetermined. However I found that the problem was that, it wasn't that I wasn't following these story lines, it was that none of my mate were anything like the guys someone had written out on paper and that's why I never got the special ending like in flick, I never got the ending that I so forth longed for, all the guys who were anything like those guys in the movie wanted to be with girls who were like super models.

Now the real issues came when heartbreak set in and that wasn't as nearly as romantic as it was in the movie. That's what I realized these movies were feeding lonely girls what they wanted the most and that was just happy ending with the boy they fell in love with  and tried too woo thought the whole movie. Now I am in no way shape or form saying that  this doesn't apply to me because it does and men have really great chicks flicks as well, its those ones that don't lead you on and give you the run around. They are more honest and that's what we wanted. Some honesty about how hard love really is and the extent of crazy things it makes us do. It also does help us reflect a light on a potential mate. We don't always get the answer to heartbreak and that was the worst part, we want too see other get their heartbroken and see how they come back from it and what road they took. It never is a clear answer and that was the worst part. Why didn't heartbreak have an answer?

I guess now then point is, if heartbreak actually had answer then maybe we could stop it from happening and that maybe we could heal each other when the ugly decides to rear his head. We have somewhat a pure insight to love and we believe that we have what it takes. Or so that's what I thought of myself after nearly trying every trick in the book. Heartbreak after heartbreak and I still wasn't sure I wasn't going in the right direction I couldn't get my Jake or anyone else too swoon unless I less I knew directly what they liked and I think with that being said, is that there is no formula. All it takes is getting to know someone and go from there. Thats what those chicks flicks are missing the basic formula and if someone doesn't get rid right we are going too screw everyone else up as a whole and thats would be the worst part. We are all young and we are slowly figuring it out and as soon as we figure it out all those love gestures are actually going to work someday and we are going to have some the greatest moments of a lifetime waiting for us.

Remember to forget me?

This is a narrative about my lack of ability to actually keep up with the important things I need to keep up with! Like appointments and bills and paperwork and things that need to be mailed and stamped and all these signatures and the impact on what happens say I don't get my paperwork in and done on time. That doesn't make me a bad person now does it? No but this day and age it makes me extremely irresponsible and nobody wants to be labeled as irresponsible weather it was true or not. I am not irresponsible sometimes I am just absent minded and I don't think a lot sometimes. As we fucking all. 

I am afraid to admit that I am one of those people who think they have more time then actually do if that makes sense. For example if I know a letter needed to be mailed a month from now, I will remember that and wait the last fucking minuet to actually get it in the mail, for example when I had to mail extra facts about my state taxes and that I had about a month to do so and it literally took me the last day to get it in the mail because, its like I have selective memory and I go into a panic stage once the timer runs out, like for example the day that I got in I was having all sorts of trouble I was even close too running late for work because I dropped my credit cared in the car and all this other good stuff All of that had started going wrong and I was still like fuck it maybe I have one more day to do it but it it turns out I had too cram everything in that day. Something of which I despise.

Remember what was also making this difficult was the fact that a whole bunch of adult goodness was thrown in the mix, how? Well I actually didn't know how to mail a letter and how to figure out the P.O boxes and FedEx and all this other stuff, So what did I do? I managed to get everything in the envelope and seal it, and with all the might in me give it too the postal worker who told me I did everything correctly and that I did a good job, That was the relief I needed at that moment because I did feel like a total dumb ass because it was like how on earth am I going to figure out how to mail a letter, I mean was I that far behind? Then again most people my age couldn't figure out how to cook or schedule their own doctors appointments, all it seemed like they knew how to do was go to work and spend the money that they earned. All I knew how to do was manage kids and a very unsustainable food habit. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this whole line of work.

The bright side is I did get my take in and though I didn't get too much back, it seemed as fair, it was working for the better I guess. I could also be wrong too though. I haven't been very good with deadline either! Not even at work where I actually say, have to keep up with the metrics. That still doesn't promote me to be as half as productive as I could normally be. I never let it get me down though I strive too be the best that I could be and I felt like at the time that's all that mattered and I made my way through the world, just like that. Now I am in no way shape or form am saying that, that works for everyone because sometimes it doesn't and I know that doesn't make sense and I am starting too sound like I am preaching but I'm not. I just want to figure out why some of us are more schedule oriented then others and how come in the adult life it isn't some mandatory thing? 

 Maybe its me? Or so I thought until I noticed more and more that it wasn't just me falling behind! Everybody I knew was remembering too forget. It is like second hand nature at this point, nothing except that hardwired "get it done and get it done now, but wait if you can" mentality was already drilled into us and we didn't know how to act about it. It feels like people my age are so leisure about letters and time that we can't quite put it together that maybe this is what our parents would've wanted. To be in control that much longer? No! I didn't just over think it that hard, it was just a question to make you ponder this just as much as I did in the earlier weeks following this point. No one ever finds the time too think about it and that's okay because life is always getting in the way of such things. 

For the most part we have it under control, most other days we found that, that delusion could only entertain us for so long and then we snack back to reality. The only things that we couldn't possibly allow to be late is our periods and that goes for men as well as the women. We are so scared of it because its like that's an entire human being who is sort of going to chip away at the time that we barely had to begin with. With everyone and their existential crisis, time was definitely of the essence and that if you lost too much of it, you were going to turn 60 and sit in your chair and slowly regret everything from the past. We all are striving to be the really cool old people who had book on top of book of memories. An epic, a legend so they say. We all wanted it but this day an age we all admit that adulating is too hard and that we can't keep up so we excepted that and we pass by day by day talking new and meaningless selfies. 

I wasn't trapped in this cycle, I was too busy learning new things, complaining about my job, and being useless. I am still figuring it out but I am getting there and everyone else will too at this point and I believe in them as I believe in you. We are growing up too fast and there is nothing to do to stop it, but now I think we know that we have a formula, and a system that is miserably working. Just go out and keep finding new things to do but this time try and make sure that those new things to do are on the way past a mailbox in case you have adult stuff to do.

The unrealistic expectations of adulthood?

Can we talk about why adulthood is so unrealistic for a second? I know this kind of strikes you as a not so serious topic but the experiences we've been through we could build a giant transformer out of it and like conquer worlds and shit. I need you to hear me out on this one and take all my experiences as well as your into account. Once again this is a narrative and the names that can be used will be changed.

Now lets talk about me in the real world for a second. Im just gonna flat be honest I'm a mess, I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time and that makes sense because paying bills send me into a weird tailspin, I don't know how or why. It's definitely confusing, its like went from trying too stay in the lines when we color too or dear god deductibles and taxes. That right there is enough too throw anybody off. Just like all the fucking paperwork. My first real experience in the adult world was that of getting a place and getting a job sure the applications were easy but its like the looking and the waiting and you gotta know what you want to do and all this other junk. Where does that all leave us? Tired, confused and all of the above. Its like we want all these things but it sucks the life out of us to actually get these things, we are willing to do the work but then we end up regretting it to the fullest.

Now me at the time being the naive little lost unicorn I was, I worked my way through life and dealt coped with anything that came my way. Did it always work? No not really especially when I got a gob and my entire life was run by corporate demands and 8hr shifts full of verbal abuse and mediocre paychecks. Just like everyone else my first job was in the hell pit of the fast food industry, and that of a corporate monster. It was hell and I hated it but when my paycheck was regularly coming in it all made sense and grinned the best I could and I dealt with it like a true adult. I always got some type of satisfaction from it. It actually made me feel good about myself  to have a job and work hard because some of my friends didn't work but thats besides the point. The point of it was I had established myself in the real world and it felt good. Till the next set of problems arose.

Now might I add that I worked in a different part of the state then my job and that I had to commute back to back but to nip that in the bud in the beginning, I moved closer too my job, but how did we manage that? Apartment hunting thats how, well not even an apartment more like a room share. I remember that search it was agonizing and everyone had these different expectations and wants and needs and it really sucked that I couldn't meet them because at the time I had a lot of baggage, I had a cat, a roommate and a lot of self doubt at the time. Nobody really wanted that at the time and that was fair because no one really wanted to share their house and I don't blame who would want a stranger living with them. Craigslist was my biggest component at the time because I really didn't know where to go or how to find a place at the time, I barely got my job and I was trying to manage both because on top of that I was using my boyfriends car at the time to get me and my roommate Eva around at the time. Now keep in mind that we were trying too find a place in the same vicinity as my job and that in and of itself was indeed hard enough.

When we finally did get accepted into a place it was with an old man and his daughter, and everything seemed cool at the time. The old man was nice and his daughter bored but nicer, so me and Eva  figured okay great lets just take it, because we gotta start somewhere and we had to move it along since my new job was coming up quick. So within a week and a shit ton of multiple trips we were and living there was great and it felt good too almost be living there on my own. So after that I figured okay life must be going nowhere but up, however managing job and stress and a whole bunch of roommates who wanted too party everyday was getting increasingly annoying and that included the people at work as well. However I toughed it the best I could and I ran with it Even when me and Eva had our falling out.

From there I did the best I could because tension started too rise from the old man and his daughter we had disagreement after disagreement, about work rent, and what I did with my spare time and it made me so mad, that I was I was ready to just quit my job and go move back to where I came from, but I was tough and I stuck it out not for the wonders of adulthood but for the fact that every now and then I got a visit from Jake. The kind of visits that will Forever be in my mind. I was getting increasingly close to him and he was more comfortable being with me at the time. He at the times right up my alley because I felt like he had such adult experiences that he was leading me in the right path. However it seemed like he tried to always feed off of my income which was from job at the time. Every month or so I feed into his needs and money waiting for just so I can have him standing in the same and touching me for 30min or less.

Thats enough to insight too tell you about how my relationships were going on in the background, now let us focus on something more like bills and tickets. At this stage in life errors on my part became conflicted and what I mean is I was just learning about speeding tickets, child support, court systems, taxes and everything else and it was just hitting me all at once and it was making me crazy, it made me feel like I was suffocating and not  fighting hard enough to get enough air. It scared the hell out of me and I would always push things off for later and pretend I was too busy to get back to them and that was the way I liked it at the time. It wasn't helping in fact it was almost like it was making things worse and keeping me farther behind. I almost wanted too blame my childhood for why I couldn't keep up in the real world. I wasn't taught how too keep up and the what the problem was, if I had of learned this shit earlier I would have faired out better and would have at least have my own apartment and the ability to keep up at a regular pace. Why are we setting kids up like this, why is it all going to shit as we speak.

While I was busy tying to figure out what answers to grieve and what pictures to take. I couldn't help regretting grow up at this point, its like all the nostalgic years fell off somewhere. Like our imagination didn't matter anymore and it made me sad, we don't realize how cool it is being a kid until we grow up and the paperwork kicks in. I didn't know about car tags or, registration fees, or deeds and how to sell the car if you didnt want it and all that other stuff but what I did know is if I didn't start  getting it together I was gonna always be behind and I didn't want to be behind, I wanted to be successful Like everyone else. It didn't really work out that way but we could always pretend it did.

Once a role model usually a role model

We all have heard of role models right? I mean supposedly they are everywhere from celebrities, to sport stars, to teachers even down to the basic model of parents. My question now and forever is how on earth did we choose our role models? I am asking because my experience with role models haven't been great, but my experience being one hasn't really been put to the test quite yet.

Who was my first ever role model? That's a good question, that even I don't know the answer too that at the time, which was crazy because just about every kid had a role model. Someone who could really change the world for them, and for the longest I didn't really have that and initially it did bother me because everyone had someone. Trust me I put time in and spent my time searching for someone who understood and appealed for me. Most of them were made out of my imagination but they all went rouge and it didn't work out well. It was a lesson leaned because a lot of my family especially my sister who thought I was losing it and made sure I went too see a therapist. To be honest I started feeling crazy. Like crazy, crazy and I'm not even sure what that means.

Lets talk about me as a role model myself. I don't really influence anyone because no one really like me. In school or at home, so that horse was already shot in the face. As far as I know I wasn't the type to have any influence, I always felt inferior. Weather it was Intellectually and all of the above. We all know theres someone somewhere doing everything better then us and theres nothing we can do about it in that case and I guess its up too us just kind of keep up the best we can. Now correct me if I'm wrong but not all of us are leaders. Why would we want to be? Think about how much work actually goes into that. Its not for the faint of heart and that's why I always told myself that leading people was never for me. The closest thing too a role model I guess was for all of my imaginary friends who I accumulated over the years but no one could see them but me so I guess I wasn't really making a difference. The closest thing too a role models in the real was world was to my baby niece at the time and that was the closest thing too a little sister that I had at the time and I guess you could say I made an impact on her in the long run. I liked video games even though I wasn't good at it but initially it rubbed off on her and that was the crazy thing.I'm still proud of it too this day.

Okay now we get too 2008, and the greatest woman who could ever exist came into my life and that is the beautiful Ms. Underrated might I add Lady gaga. She popped on the scene with just dance and it was literally the weirdest thing I ever seen on the planet! (among other things). Ans weird as it was I was in love and I was absolutely obsessed with her! Top to Bottom and I mean from her music to her clothes to her videos, to her stage presence EVERYTHING she was about was me. It was absolutely gold, after that I knew that was my role model and that something about her was going too change my life forever. The beauty of it was that she was something out of this world and not everyone liked her but the ones that did held her close as I did, and it was like this huge misunderstanding and that's what I fell in love with I guess, it wasn't something that was understood at the time and it really isn't understood now?

Here's what I knew, I knew this women had a message and she made me feel like I could actually like myself. That sounds rough I know but you know being young that's what it was at the time. We were all insecure and didn't know where we were going tomorrow, or the next day. Now as an adult I'm still in the same spot I guess you could say, that isn't the problem though, the problem now is that maybe I'm not tall enough for life. Is that my fault or the role models? That's something we need to reflect on ourselves for a moment...the idea of a role model is too shape and get our life on track right, too initially steer us in the direction of success, but how come we all don't end up successful too some degree? Do some of us just have better role models or is it us as a person who's fucking up. See now were asking the big questions. Do we have answers of course not no one ever does but then again theres' nothing wrong in that region even though there are other in the background who will tell us it is?

Now my skills as a role model were put to the test once again, but this time as an adult and boy was I still as lost as I ever was but at least this time I knew what too say. So a very close family member called me because they needed a tiny bit of help of getting their kid encouraged to continue on with school. As a Pisces my whole world is feelings so it was my time too pour my heart out and really make a point. It was crazy because it happened and I did it, I gave encouragement which sent me spiraling into tears but at the end of the day I wasn't sure if I got anywhere but I never got a call back, but I dint let that get me down in a million years and that's the beauty of it for the first time. I felt super secure and happy and the I finally realized this is what being a role model is about. Encouraging not just shaping and steering! Look at me grow from mediocre to whatever this new age thing is! Get out there you guys and change the world I guess.

Rewind? Uh who's Jake?

I never said I wanted to write it, but here it is. Lets talk about the one person who basically ruined everything. Now this is a narrative about how not everyone is good for you and if you do not see it ahead of time it could potentially ruin you for the better or the worse. Again I State names will be changed.

This is a point in time after one of my children was born. Now, like I said earlier I was always one for helping people, so naturally when this comes up I do not hesitate. So what crazy thing could pop up in the midst of me having everything I needed right there in life? A message out of the blue, a message on my Facebook from someone I have not seen since middle school. That is right, an unsuspecting Jake N. William. I did not remember much about him except that he was kind of a "know it all" and for some reason a lot of the girls found this attractive as well as his negativity and indecent way of dressing. I, at the time, did not see it. I was roaming the halls on my own agenda. The odd thing is that later on, he is going to state that he remembered me very well.

Lets talk about the message. It was odd in its very own nature. The first one he sent was really innocent. He just messaged me to see if I had a friend of a friend that I knew, but I did not and we kind of left it at that. Now, all was fine. My life was still in order until about a week after that, he came back and he had a mission for me to go on and boy was it a wild one. The mission was for me to go stalk his ex girlfriend, 'boy how awkward that must have been for him.' I mean it must have looked bad because it made him look crazy, like he just could not let it go and move on. Now that was fine until he gave the reason why, which actually made the whole thing make sense. She just had a baby and he did not know if it was his because there was indeed cheating on his and her part.

I, like the idiot I was, sympathized and helped him out. I went the whole fucking nine. I added her and did that forceful reconnection. Keep in mind we really did not talk in high school, I mean we barely even saw each other in the hallway. He was okay with it because I was the one doing the dirty work and that was always fun. I mean I really felt stupid in the end because it turns out it definitely was not his child, but that is beside the point. There is one thing I need to add first, this fucker was smart, and I mean SMART. He knew how to answer every question in a way that did not seem like we were pushing the issue on this kid and with that, I was genuinely interested. It was scary because I sure as fuck did not know anyone that clever. Might I add he was also charming and can hold a crazy amount of conversation. He sure can butter someone up when he really wants something because I was really beautiful in that inbox and he was for sure very interested in me at the time.

Now this just was not a one day thing, might I add this went on for months at a time. It was like he was desperate but yet patient. An odd combination I know but unless I post the messages you will never know how smooth he was. It was a nice change of events for once if you ask me, someone new to talk to. That was until poor little Jake starting causing trouble, after we would talk and he ease into my life more and more. I found him to be getting more personal day by fucking day and then it happened, he ht me with it, the one thing that guys always ask after we start talking! He asked too see the girls, but he was charming about it if you ask me, its like he was such a horn dog but really respectful about it. He made it seem like he didn't want too ask but he did, I almost want too say he mind fucked me but that would be a little much. I'm not gonna lie though I definitely hesitated because I was in relationship at the time but I figured one picture wouldn't hurt.

There I go being stupid again because it did not stop there he wants to see the whole package and boy that was a fucking loop too be thrown for. What was killing me was that he was so charming about the whole thing it was crazy because we had just started talking. I did not even know if he had a girlfriend or anything, but I was like fuck it why not, it is not like we are ever going to see each other right? He was actually impressed with my body for some reason, which was weird too me because I had just had kids and on top of that I can see the type of girls he can pull and girls like me aren't on that list for anything in the world so I kind of felt flattered I guess and that why I gave it because he built my self esteem. To this day I hate him for even messaging me in the first place and being as cruel as he was as to make me think he was worth it.

It went from pictures too messaging about our deepest desires but he made sure he didn't lose sight of the target which was who did that baby belong to genetically, so I guess that's a good thing. I just got so lost in him and it was scary. I had a massive like for him and it was only a few weeks of talking again. Its amazing what charm will do for you in that case. We want from Facebook, to kik, too plain iPhone messaging ad somewhere I was falling in love and I just didn't know where.What sucks I wasn't as happy as I was when I wasn't talking too him as stupid as that sounds. We actually developed a kink relationship and he was my master and I submitted to him on a daily and he loved it! The problem is I lost sight of everything in the background its like I became obsessed with him! I wasn't proud of my self obviously but we have to make the best out of it, we always wanted too See each other in person as much as we can, I even offered him a bit of money to help out with the trips since he lived so far away at the time and it was great we just worked. He's so solid and distant and emotional and I fed off of that and slowly I became more engaged into trying to fix him.

Now this only part one and this is really only background  and the reason for this is so you get a feel for Jake and who he was at the time, I am not even sure who he was at the time but what I did know was that he was important to me and he made me feel like anything is possible. I honestly wanted to marry him from that day but at the same time I had a sneaking suspicion he was gonna end up ruining me down the line. 

Steer clear of the wolf in sheep's clothing.

Nothing hits harder then a DV relationship

I want to touch on a more serious topic today and that topic just so happens to be domestic violence, and the trauma it has behind it and how it has affected me as a human being in ways only I can see. First thing is first I once will be having names changed in honor of the persons privacy. 

Now before all the madness happened I was a normal 18 year old girl practically fresh out of high school. I ,prior to that, was a runaway but that is a different experience for another time. I had ended up living with my older sister and her family and a few roommates we had. Now not to bash anyone but everything was less then great and I had found new ways of getting into trouble. Now as sweet as I am, a lot of guys on the block had favored me. One guy particular across the way was Bradley. Now he was a nice guy and has been nothing less than nice to me ever since he got my number from walking me home one fine day. That was all new to me, I had never really had guys get my number before as crazy as that sounds. Now we never really dated because well like everyone I was young and stupid and was really struggling with myself at the time. I cannot say him and I did not have fun though.

Now the eccentricity of my sister's roommates led me to  meet Jack. Let me tell  you about Jack. He was an all-American, stoner, gangster, cowboy. With the most country accent, it was so cute plus what could not help was the fact that he had these beautiful hazel eyes and great hair. Now how did I come across him? Well, the story was that my sister's roommates Allen and Eva were down the lane smoking at the local park and they just so happen to be getting high like they always do, and lucky for them and me, I guess they happen to run into him and decided to bring him home. Kind of like a lost puppy, although it is safe to say he was not lost. I do remember it coming up in conversation though that they sort of brought him home for me. I was sort of made fun of at the time because I liked white guys and him being there was the gist of the joke.
  
Now first coming down stairs after they told me what happened I wasn't sure what I was expecting and neither was he as we both stood there confused. Now naturally Allen and Eva did come downstairs too remove the awkward tension but after that we hit it off well! What I learned is that he worked on cars and had roommates of his own and the best thing about the whole thing was that he only lived 6 blocks away, from then on I felt like we would be seeing a lot of each other. I think my favorite thing about him was that he carried a backpack full of necessities. That and he was short, because short people are great. At the time I didn't really see us being a thing until one solid night we all had a group hang out and for some reason we let Allen and Eva talk us into having sex outside. That was quite a journey might I add, and also might I add Jack Jr...was wow...I am sure we are already catching my drift. 

I was left feeling stupid because that was initially my first one night stand I guess? However the fuck you say it, it was his too. Now after getting made fun of and patronized by my sister we both sat there on the stairs that night and kind of reflected and talk about the bad decision we had just made and turns out that Jack was pretty chill, so chill he specifically told me if we didn't sit and have the talk we were having he wouldn't have ever talked to me again because slutty girls weren't his thing. We sat there in the cold and talked for hours and hours on end, and what ends up happening I will tell you...I ended up in fucking like. Yes tat crucial moment in a girls life where nothing makes sense and you end up bawling like an idiot confront of your crush. Good thing for me I was awkward in the first place so it didn't really make a difference to me.

We initially did end up dating and we got really close and everyday I waited on the stairs for him too get off of work. We hung out and everything was great, now I am not saying there were problems in the background because of course there were. Tension grew between Allen and Jack and everyone else in the house. It  usually happens like that because whenever I'm happy no one likes it and everyone else has too fuck it up for me. Things got so bad we would spend hours at the park or at the nearest McDonald's and I would come home late which no one cared about and I preferred it that way. Some nights I wouldn't go in the house and stay outside dancing on the porch to release negative feelings. The beaut of it was that he was having problems at his own place as well, so I actually felt understood, and that's usually a first because I don't make sense too anyone. 

Unfortunately I wasn't working at the time otherwise things would have fared out better if you asked me, but he worked and we got the crazy idea that we could get an apartment and make it together. I know we were the pure definition of naive but that's okay what could we expect. We were young and in love at the time and no one could stop us at least so I thought. So I think you know what comes next ah yes the apartment, it was indeed a decent place but on our salary we couldn't be picky. The first few months were great, we were happy and could finally be ourselves! However as time went on problems arose, we had so many disagreements, from opinions too his insecurities and bathroom habits. The hitting didn't start there though where it started is a blur. 

I distinctly remember one we had our drunk friends over Nadine and Bob, they had a dysfunctional relationship as well aside from some suicidal tendencies, but that's besides the point. The point was that I remember an argument broke out one night and we were standing there face too face and the air was so tense and due too Jacks nature I was definitely prepared for anything he was about to throw at me and within a split second it happened we were both on the floor wrestling on the floor hitting and all and it was so crazy because Bob was doing his best too pull us apart. It was fairly difficult as there were some hair pulling involved. After that I remember jack walking out and leaving for a few hours and I was left too it and talk too Nadine who was drunk out of her mind at the same time but it's okay because she was my support at the time since I wasn't really ready to go talk to my family.

It went on like that for a few months and each day it ate a little bit of my soul because at some point we had a baby on the way and I couldn't take the risk of losing the baby because this guy would always lose his shit and strike me. He was always so insecure and so sure I was cheating on him all the time. I forgot to mention the first few months I was locked up in the apartment and couldn't go anywhere. The first few weeks were difficult but I loved him and I dealt with it. Until this day I look back on it and I actually regret subjecting myself too any of that because later on little did I know it was gonna have a massive affect on me. However when the relationship started dissolve I started going places and making friends at the local college and what a breath of fresh air that was.

The worst part of it was, that the staff of the apartment knew he was hitting me and none of them really did anything or said anything about it either and that alone was the worst feeling because I honestly thought like wow this a real thing happening in front of their eyes and they have nothing too say. They had no help too offer what so ever so I think because of that I decided not too tell my family because I didn't I would get cared about in that case, but the few friends I did tell actually did something about it. After that he sort of got the message but everything still went until a month later and neither of knew that, that final argument would separate us for good. Getting sprayed in the face with bleach and getting sent too the hospital wasn't great but that was it I had enough and I wasn't going to go back. So I texts my sister everything that happened and we figured it all out at the hospital, and I ended right back with may other sister, the one who I lived with before I ran off with this boy. The circle started off all over again except this time I was alone and pregnant.

I was under the illusion that I was all better but I wasn't, the worse things came later. I and Jack kept in touch on Face book because of the baby but he wanted me back, others were telling me no but my heart was so desperately wanting him back because I felt safe. The ultimate conclusion is he left a month later and next thing you know it seemed like he had the perfect life. I had found someone and he was married with another son. Once again I felt all alone and that was the worst part but here I am now with a beautiful smart baby boy working a decent job, while he can't find the time too stay out of jail. Karma came back around though, he called me up saying how abusive his now ex was and how  he was sorry for putting me through it all that other stuff but I don't actually believe him I mean how could I. Plus I was happy now and I didn't need him.

The moral of this narrative is if you feel unsafe in your relationship get help ASAP!! Don't wait!! I know it hard but you have to be strong because you never know when its going too cost you your life.

The intro to the chapter of Jake.

We are going to fast forward a little bit however, as we do that, we are actually reversing because the idea of this blog is that nothing is in order. We are going back at least 3 years and I am going to give you an intro to Jake. Ah yes, Jake. A very vague but influential person that was in my life, now a great deal of experiences stem from him and that is why he is very important to me. I should not have been putting off about writing about him, but as I was surfing my Tumblr for the many emotionally driven posts I made about him, one of them stuck out to me so I figure why not start his chapter here. It was a poem actually because at that point I was not truly sure what road he was taking me down, but here goes the poem it is called: How am I? (Do me a favor and try not to make the post more sappy than it is, it definitely has that teen-angst feel to it so please do it justice:)

How am I supposed to remain in love with you if you do not even text me back? How are we supposed to live together and build a future, if you will not even let me help you when you need it? How are you supposed to fall in love with me if when we talk, you are too vague? How am I supposed to know how you feel about me when I do not hear from you days on end? Am I supposed to know you care when I text you and you cannot even return my messages. How can you tell me I mean something to you when you make me feel like you are not even there? How am I supposed to be comfortable with the stability of our relationship if I cannot tell if you even like me or not? How am I supposed to be happy with you when you cannot even trust your own feelings about things? How are we going to move forward if you cannot even say you love me? How can we stay together forever if you are so stuck on being hurt? 

One day I hope you will be able to answer all my questions without running away or hiding from yourself. One day I hope you do open up and realize that I do love you and that I will do everything for you, until then I guess I will sit and wait and pass the time away. Please do not make me regret giving my heart to you because once upon a time, I was hurt by someone just like you. 

First Impressions?

Now we discuss my fair share of first impressions.

Are we all great at first impressions? No. Have we all, had our fair share of first impressions? Of course. Now I know as my audience none of you know me, but I will give some brief insight! Sometimes I am nice and sometimes I am too nice. I do more for others then they do for me and that sucks I know and I probably should grow up and become cold and callus like most people in this world. However I never found that to really fit me. So now I am just super naive, that is not the point of this post. Anyway, I just want to know why first impressions are a thing? It does not seem like it should be a thing, to be honest. Not everyone can make great first impressions, plus awkward moments are a thing this day and age. Lets admit we all can be embarrassing in more ways than others. I just do not think first impressions are fair, not to mention the liars who make great first impressions. I feel like  a standard has been set that none of us can meet and that we have to pretend we have our lives together when in reality very few of us do.

When it comes to people meeting me for the first time I can say I am very self conscious and that is something that has always been with me, but what do you do? You grin and bare it, like we do with most things we do with our lives. I think the odd thing is, that I make a great first impression actually. Mostly with boyfriends and their families.I have not really had anyone's family not like me. Until the break up, which is socially acceptable because when you break up it is definitely over, especially with the family in most cases. I think the first awkward first impression I made was with my ex (second baby daddy) and his mother, I guess it is awkward when you bring home a random pregnant girl who you met in college. All in all his mom still said hello while ogling my large belly, but it was okay I smiled and did my best not to pass out. Moms can be super intense, right? It is better to know I did not do that thing where I start talking and making a complete idiot of myself. However, it was a comfort to know that her disappointment was in her son and not me, I am quite sure it came around later though because like I said, "Some things I do are in very poor choice."

Ever since then I have not really had any bad first impressions, but I do get lectured a lot for my demeanor, I should talk right and stand up straight and not curse like a sailor, but the odd thing is none of that goes into my first impression so I never knew why it was relevant to me. No one ever gets to the negative part until they have either dated me or have known me for a while. I think the most borderline thing is that most people want you to change and put away all the bad things about yourself because they need someone to approve of you and I never really liked that concept. It takes us a long time to love ourselves, so why should we go back to not loving ourselves for someone who is not going to like you or even know you in ten years or sooner? I put a lot of time and effort into myself and I am really proud of who I have become in the long run. I am trying to put my best foot forward, even if that foot comes from that part of me. I do not know if I could be asking too much, maybe I am just naive, but I am a firm believer that we should just stay open-minded and love everyone no matter what first impression they make, right? Yeah? No? Ha-Ha who knows all this is just my opinion and just a narrative of how I feel about first impressions. I guess I need more experience with this among other things for sure.