Now the last few days have been absolutely wild. I have had my fair share of crazy mothers but a friend of mine has had by far the craziest set of siblings I have ever seen and you know that saying "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree"? Well after everything that phrase took on a whole new meaning. Everything in this narrative is based on actual events and there will be name changing to protect privacy so here we go.
Let me give you some background just so you have an idea about where I am coming from. My friend Ray was always telling me about his mother and his brothers and how he felt like they hated him. From his older brother who was a drug using sell out who is now a family man, to his gay brother who is all about money and thinks he's cool because he works at Apple. To his shit for brains mom who keeps calling him an accident. He went as far as telling me that the reason his mom didn't like him was because he resembled his dad whom she was married to for about 38 years who she ended up cheating on. Kinda wild right and kinda hard to believe at first. Now that was until we started hanging out more and we decided to date and I eventually started spending the night with him at his moms house. Everything seemed normal for the most part I guess. So at the time I couldn't really get a grasp on what he was talking about. Ooops did I mention when his mom got her new boyfriend she kicked him out because he didn't feel quite comfortable around her new boyfriend. Which is pretty reasonable considering he was only looking out for his mom something everyone as kid who loves their mom wants to do.
Now keep in mind that Ray hasn't had a real job yet which is reasonable I mean getting started this day an age is hard. Shit I dint have my first real job until I WAS IN MY 20s sorry I just wanted to emphasize so no one felt left out. Now that was the stigma in his family and I guess you could say that he was crucified for it in the long run. You know because this day and age are run by the concept of money. Who can complain though life is getting expensive however that should only make a difference if you are indeed driven by the very concept that is in fact money. I wasn't to thrilled about it as I didn't really care if he had a job or not I guess you could say I was really the odd one out at the time.
Now staying with his mom was absolutely one of the strangest things I have ever experienced to be honest. On the exterior she seemed really sweet, but with people like that there was always something off. I could see it in the way they argued and the way she passively pushed her concerns about him off of me as if I had all the answer to him. That was fine for the mean time but the worst was yet to come and started to come when it came down to the things she said and we started arguing and he would direct all his aggression at her considering she would decide to put her 2 cents in, when it came to every argument. I felt like shit because at time I would jump in and at times defend her. The arguing got really out of control and we couldn't seem to figure out why, but he swore it was her. I didn't quite see it at the time and to this day I am still feeling stupid.
In my defense something about him changed, we went from going out every day to him sitting depressed in the grave over anything his mom said, he was an entirely different person. He even showered everyday. The dark energy and the past with his mom is what consumed him and it didn't help considering the boyfriend his mom was dating that he got kicked out over stayed there. Things were a little awkward, but I had a car so we did our best to get out everyday and not think about it. Even with that being the case the arguments didn't stop. W e managed to hold it together for the holidays when his brothers came down to visit, although that went straight to hell, his oldest brother Mason didn't want to talk to me and anytime we occupied the same place he made it a point to avoid me. His second older brother Aiden was great not just for the simple fact that he was gay and I usually flock to those type of people. I figured we would be fine and that since his family liked me we would be okay. Here I go again being stupid again.
I was texting his mom every other week about our arguments because I figured who's gonna know about him more then his mom. Her advice helped in the beginning but after a while it felt like she was sabotaging me and he was trying to hint it to me. I just figured he was being a skeptic. In the long run I initially stopped texting her and I ended moving out to see if that would solve the problem but we still seemed to be at stand still and it was the worst thing in the world at the time. Things got a little easier when his uncle moved in but we were the same as always and I started distancing myself from him A very stupid move because him and his mom were going at it like cats and dogs day in and day out and I didn't feel like I was helping.
Lets fast forward a few months up until just after I got caught in that hit and run. We had to borrow her car from time to time just too get me to work and she hated it, we all got it her car was her car but I was in a pickle and I am a firm believer that everyone should help everyone. His mom disagreed and the arguing increased especially since she was running off to Lodi to go hang out with the new guy she was seeing. That was an odd one, he was her ex husbands best friend in school it was little odd and kind of gross I really didn't want to be around it. I started to notice a change in her she started not being home and complaints increased over the worst. It got so intense she stopped coming home and tried throwing him out of the house every other week. It got so bad she got his brothers involved and all they did was tell him how he should die and how much of a waste of time he was.
I got sick of it but his mom wasn't having it and we came up with a plan to get out before things got worse which they did. She had stolen something out of his room a few days prior and things got heated after that, she officially kicked him out and his brothers were coming hard with the text messages. His mom stayed at her new boyfriends and let it happen. We were in a corner and we weren't sure what we were going to do. However things got really out of hand one day when I needed a ride to work before I lost my job, we asked her and begged her but when it came down to it all she could say, "It's not my problem let her get fired". After that it was all like all hell out broke loose, I sent her a text expressing my anger the best I could and I told her I wanted her out of my life and my kids life. Keep in mind she read it that day but didn't respond.
Sunday rolled around and her reply was that she wanted me out of her house and if I didn't comply she would have the police remove me. Keep in mind I wasn't really staying there anymore so I wasn't really phased. His brothers kept running their mouths and we retaliated back in text all they could do is call names and we were over it. It really didn't get ugly until she texted him the same thing and decided to block us and the rest came down to him leaving the house one day and his mom and his brother snuck by the house and changed all the locks while packing some of his stuff up. It was chaos and I was buying with rage but there was nothing we could do at the time. He went to go talk to his dad and I flew over to his grandmas as fast as I could and I broke my heart to see him tears considering his aunt wouldn't let him stay back at their place. Something of which he didn't know until I went over there sneaking around looking for him. His aunt let me know what was up and I figured thats why he was there. I walked down the road and I found myself giving him the most gangster pep talk I could but it was hard to get through to him.
However me and his dad finally got through to him and it worked he started feeling better and we came up with a plan to have him self sufficient as fast as we could. We put it all behind us and today was great day until his aunt told him he still couldn't stay there. Which at the moment we are working out a plan for. My moral to this narrative is make sure you are good too everyone and there are some evil people in the world but don't ever make them feel like they got the best of you, karma will come back around on his mom and his brothers so now the focus is success.
Real life happens, I guess you could say its the order that it happens that makes the magic.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Some things never change: Chapter 3
Chapter 3: Time for a change
Adeline halfway home made her way up to her apartment. The complex was large, with snow and kids running around rampant, however Adeline lived in the back so it really wasn't that much of a bother. The complex split into halves as you walked through the courtyard and all the apartments faced each other in a square. It gave the building more of a community feel. It had nice green grass that was cut very two weeks and a large fountain for looks dead in the center. It was sort of a scene at those rich country clubs except everyone here was middle class with no real direction in life. Adeline kept walking on as she dodged through all the screaming kids playing as loud as they could. A short yet stout little six year old stopped Adeline to ask her a question. "Excuse me"? Adeline stopped and looked down at the girl who was chewing on her sleek black hair "yes"? Adeline responded. "Can I be your friend, my sister said older girls are smarter and have more friends and that girls in my age group are just followers" Adeline looked astounded she wasn't good with these things and she felt pressured and the only answer she could come up with in the heat of the moment was "I would stick with your age group kid, you have to follow before you can lead" the girl first looked confused as she shuffled through her hair to find ends she didn't chew, the answer had to be acceptable in and of itself considering the girl ran off after. Adeline felt confused but she kept on walking, once she approached the stairs at the end of the path, she walked slowly and she pulled out her phone to check the time which read "2:29". Adeline continued up the stairs and walked a little ways until she reached her apartment. She pulled her keys out of her back pocket and she unlocked the door and eased her way in as if she had an unexpected guest. "ADDISON"? Adeline yelled as she walked into the kitchen and picked her mail up from the kitchen table. "ADDISON ARE YOU HOME"? she called out one more time, out of frustration Adeline proceeded to go down the hall towards her room. She knocked on the bathroom door first before approaching the bedroom across the way. "In here" a voice said in the closet, Adeline pulled open the knob and found her roommate laying on the closet floor texting. "Why are you always in here"? Adeline asked curiously. The girl stood up and put her phone in the pocket of the pleaded skirt she was wearing. "I don't know I feel like it gives me a sense of peace".
Addison was tall with purple and blue hair that was lengthy and down to her knees. Her eyes were emerald green and she had been Adeline's roommate ever since she saved her from her abusive step parents. Once she stood up, they both walked down the hall to Adeline's room, where they both sat on the bed. Adeline got up and opened up the double doors to her walk in closet where she surveyed all of her clothes trying to decide what she was going to wear to work tonight, getting frustrated she asked "why do we buy clothes to store and never wear them" ? "Most people let their lovable roommates have them" Addison laid back and batted her eyes. Adeline giggled and continued to ruffle through the clothes, seconds later Addison's phone vibrated, she reached down and pulled out her phone, switching to an upright position. She smiled as she read the text aloud "Hey slut buster ask Adeline if she wants to hang out at Jaspers with us tonight, you know? After her "adult" obligations". Adeline abruptly turned around "why can't Kaedis just send a normal text" "I mean he would kinda have to be normal first"
"whoa back up, neither of you told me you were going to Jaspers"! Adeline exclaimed. "Well you were too busy not giving me all the cute clothes you aren't ever going to wear" Addison interjected as she placed her phone next to her side "you know you can always forget you have a job and come and play with some of the worst people alive". "What? Me caught dead with you guys" Adeline said sitting down next to Addison "possibly" she added. Addison quickly picked up her phone to text back, while doing so she got up and left the room leaving Adeline to sit there and wonder. After getting caught deep in her thoughts she stood up and went back to the closet. She reached in and pulled out a black polo shirt. She unbuttoned her flannel and slid her jacket of with it and tossed them to the floor she pulled the polo shirt over and walked around the bed to check herself in the mirror. She picked up her brush from the dresser and brushed her hair straight back and put it up in a ponytail as she let her bangs hang. She felt confident with the look and walked back over as she picked out a hoodie that smelled less of cigarettes. She pulled out her phone to check the time "SHIT" she yelped as she grabbed her keys and rushed to the door "Addison I'm going to work text me what time you want me to be at Jaspers" she yelled. Addison stuck her head outside of the closet door "you got it" she replied. "Why do you even have a room"? Adeline questioned before walking out and shutting the door behind her. She quickly made her way down the stairs and rushed across the court yard. There were a million things on her mind but she was in too much of a rush to pay any real attention so she kept on walking, her phone vibrated in her hand as she quickly read the text she received from Kaedis "Don't stress you turned out fine Jaspers tonight at 11 where we can drink to our insecurities see you then :)" Adeline kept on walking but she couldn't help but to smile and think that maybe he was right but she also couldn't help but to be a skeptic.
Adeline halfway home made her way up to her apartment. The complex was large, with snow and kids running around rampant, however Adeline lived in the back so it really wasn't that much of a bother. The complex split into halves as you walked through the courtyard and all the apartments faced each other in a square. It gave the building more of a community feel. It had nice green grass that was cut very two weeks and a large fountain for looks dead in the center. It was sort of a scene at those rich country clubs except everyone here was middle class with no real direction in life. Adeline kept walking on as she dodged through all the screaming kids playing as loud as they could. A short yet stout little six year old stopped Adeline to ask her a question. "Excuse me"? Adeline stopped and looked down at the girl who was chewing on her sleek black hair "yes"? Adeline responded. "Can I be your friend, my sister said older girls are smarter and have more friends and that girls in my age group are just followers" Adeline looked astounded she wasn't good with these things and she felt pressured and the only answer she could come up with in the heat of the moment was "I would stick with your age group kid, you have to follow before you can lead" the girl first looked confused as she shuffled through her hair to find ends she didn't chew, the answer had to be acceptable in and of itself considering the girl ran off after. Adeline felt confused but she kept on walking, once she approached the stairs at the end of the path, she walked slowly and she pulled out her phone to check the time which read "2:29". Adeline continued up the stairs and walked a little ways until she reached her apartment. She pulled her keys out of her back pocket and she unlocked the door and eased her way in as if she had an unexpected guest. "ADDISON"? Adeline yelled as she walked into the kitchen and picked her mail up from the kitchen table. "ADDISON ARE YOU HOME"? she called out one more time, out of frustration Adeline proceeded to go down the hall towards her room. She knocked on the bathroom door first before approaching the bedroom across the way. "In here" a voice said in the closet, Adeline pulled open the knob and found her roommate laying on the closet floor texting. "Why are you always in here"? Adeline asked curiously. The girl stood up and put her phone in the pocket of the pleaded skirt she was wearing. "I don't know I feel like it gives me a sense of peace".
Addison was tall with purple and blue hair that was lengthy and down to her knees. Her eyes were emerald green and she had been Adeline's roommate ever since she saved her from her abusive step parents. Once she stood up, they both walked down the hall to Adeline's room, where they both sat on the bed. Adeline got up and opened up the double doors to her walk in closet where she surveyed all of her clothes trying to decide what she was going to wear to work tonight, getting frustrated she asked "why do we buy clothes to store and never wear them" ? "Most people let their lovable roommates have them" Addison laid back and batted her eyes. Adeline giggled and continued to ruffle through the clothes, seconds later Addison's phone vibrated, she reached down and pulled out her phone, switching to an upright position. She smiled as she read the text aloud "Hey slut buster ask Adeline if she wants to hang out at Jaspers with us tonight, you know? After her "adult" obligations". Adeline abruptly turned around "why can't Kaedis just send a normal text" "I mean he would kinda have to be normal first"
"whoa back up, neither of you told me you were going to Jaspers"! Adeline exclaimed. "Well you were too busy not giving me all the cute clothes you aren't ever going to wear" Addison interjected as she placed her phone next to her side "you know you can always forget you have a job and come and play with some of the worst people alive". "What? Me caught dead with you guys" Adeline said sitting down next to Addison "possibly" she added. Addison quickly picked up her phone to text back, while doing so she got up and left the room leaving Adeline to sit there and wonder. After getting caught deep in her thoughts she stood up and went back to the closet. She reached in and pulled out a black polo shirt. She unbuttoned her flannel and slid her jacket of with it and tossed them to the floor she pulled the polo shirt over and walked around the bed to check herself in the mirror. She picked up her brush from the dresser and brushed her hair straight back and put it up in a ponytail as she let her bangs hang. She felt confident with the look and walked back over as she picked out a hoodie that smelled less of cigarettes. She pulled out her phone to check the time "SHIT" she yelped as she grabbed her keys and rushed to the door "Addison I'm going to work text me what time you want me to be at Jaspers" she yelled. Addison stuck her head outside of the closet door "you got it" she replied. "Why do you even have a room"? Adeline questioned before walking out and shutting the door behind her. She quickly made her way down the stairs and rushed across the court yard. There were a million things on her mind but she was in too much of a rush to pay any real attention so she kept on walking, her phone vibrated in her hand as she quickly read the text she received from Kaedis "Don't stress you turned out fine Jaspers tonight at 11 where we can drink to our insecurities see you then :)" Adeline kept on walking but she couldn't help but to smile and think that maybe he was right but she also couldn't help but to be a skeptic.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Working for a corporate monster
Today I am going to touch on what its like to work for a corporate giant like Amazon and touch on some of the crazy experiences I have had there. I figured I should give my fair share of the story since so many people put it out there.
Now lets fast forward a few months ago when I received my e-mail from amazon saying, "Congratulations you got hired". Now at the time I wasn't hearing anything crazy about the place. The only thing I knew at the time was that Amazon was giant when it came to buying things online and it didn't get any better then that. I figured since I was in it I was going to be in it for the long term. I did feel like I was over my head and I did essentially feel like I wasn't smart enough to work there to begin with. However that's me always being stupid and insecure about my life.
Once I actually got to orientation they sold it to me it seemed like they had everything great pay and the hours to go with it. I circled the warehouse in awe at the time but I was running late and I was as lost I could be, not knowing anybody didn't help either. Thats what I get for having Jake drive me that night. Although at the time he was proud of me and we had this vicious cycle of him borrowing my car while I got stuck at work. Initially he couldn't handle it just like I thought.
Now lets fast forward after I got settled in, the place was starting be a living hell, I noticed the place sort of resembled high school and the only ones who succeeded were the one in the popular cliques. I noticed with my manager Danielle Lawrence. She was popular, high maintenance and wore casual uptight outfits as a manager she made it a point to make feel left out. That goes for Casey as well, I was no competition but she could compete with Caseys' sleek makeup and barbie doll looks. Something which Danielle felt challenged about. As new comers we were in trouble every other week and getting write up after write up, there were other managers like Azlan and Lee but they were concerned with their own team.
Even after she left and Azlan was the lone wolf for the longest it really seemed like no one really like me, Casey got in good with Azlan and the other managers Gavin and Jose on the backwards shift. It was may own fault I wasn't pretty nor was I cool. I spent less time on that and more time noticing how the place was ran. The conditions were very inhumane, I remember being on the fourth floor four and it was unbearably hot. Heat headache after heat headache drove me wild and finally I gave in and went to Danielle. Who basically told me in so many words how there nothing she could do and basically I should start getting use to it because thats something that was normal around the warehouse. It drove me crazy, all I wanted to do was switch teams. However these were the cards I was dealt and I was falling behind. It seemed like every other week I was struggling to keep my job.
I was in a department where I had to count inventory and be numbed out like a zombie for 10 hours. The work was easy but I had a hard time staying up all night so I was constantly sleeping. Casey always covered for me and it worked most days. However the problems that everyone was starting to associate her with me at the time and it has taken me a very long time to break away from the stigma. The environment was harsh but the veterans there school you on everything that seemed relevant. I mean after all they knew how to survive the place. Breaks were ridiculous you spend more time walking to the break room then you did on your break and it felt like it wasn't worth it. However if you were in the farthest part of the warehouse and you left your station early to get a head start you would see your manager waiting downstairs for you. It wasn't fair, especially since they expected you to come back 3-5 min earlier, even then they didn't realize if you were in the farthest part of the building you wouldn't have been able to make it in time.
I was in a quality based department so the drive not to make errors in the inventory were vital. The problem was however they wanted rate as in you better move quick if you wanted etc count all your units for the week. It was absolute hell at the time, you couldn't go too fast without making errors but they made it a point to do so and they were never satisfied. The percentiles were crazy, if you only clocked in at 99% you would be given a write up, weather you agree with it or not. If the manager liked you, they would bypass it with HR. If they didn't, they would serve you. If you hated your department and you weren't good at it good luck getting out, also if you benefited the department by keeping's numbers high good luck getting out as well. The rules were weird and obviously not everyone including the managers followed them.
The food in the break room was the equivalent was the cheap wal-mart like stuff, you didn't have a choice if you were hungry. The switched out the expired stuff everyday but it didn't seem like it was good enough. Majority of people brought their lunch. Did I mention you couldn't take your phone past security? So you had no choice but to focus on the work all while trying to stay on task for the whole 10 hours. It was the hardest in my department considering it was so boring. If you had a family emergency you better handle it on your first break or there after because there isn't anything you could do. Get sick and have to go home? They use a point system so make sure you have your hours stacked up like they say. I have seen people throwing up all night with no hours and they had to grin and bear it because HR didn't consider us human beings.
Majority of the people I got hired with were gone after the 6 month, some people couldn't tough it and they wanted something better and I don't blame them, after a while I was longing for the same thing. However I was in a tight spot so I couldn't just leave. Overtime I tried to transfer I got stuck even after I started getting really good at my job. Now all of this is barely scratching the surface on what is actually going on at this place. So please consider this a part one as I will be continually adding to it as time goes on. Now I am not trying to deter anyone from working here I just want to tell my side of the story.
To be continued......
Now lets fast forward a few months ago when I received my e-mail from amazon saying, "Congratulations you got hired". Now at the time I wasn't hearing anything crazy about the place. The only thing I knew at the time was that Amazon was giant when it came to buying things online and it didn't get any better then that. I figured since I was in it I was going to be in it for the long term. I did feel like I was over my head and I did essentially feel like I wasn't smart enough to work there to begin with. However that's me always being stupid and insecure about my life.
Once I actually got to orientation they sold it to me it seemed like they had everything great pay and the hours to go with it. I circled the warehouse in awe at the time but I was running late and I was as lost I could be, not knowing anybody didn't help either. Thats what I get for having Jake drive me that night. Although at the time he was proud of me and we had this vicious cycle of him borrowing my car while I got stuck at work. Initially he couldn't handle it just like I thought.
Now lets fast forward after I got settled in, the place was starting be a living hell, I noticed the place sort of resembled high school and the only ones who succeeded were the one in the popular cliques. I noticed with my manager Danielle Lawrence. She was popular, high maintenance and wore casual uptight outfits as a manager she made it a point to make feel left out. That goes for Casey as well, I was no competition but she could compete with Caseys' sleek makeup and barbie doll looks. Something which Danielle felt challenged about. As new comers we were in trouble every other week and getting write up after write up, there were other managers like Azlan and Lee but they were concerned with their own team.
Even after she left and Azlan was the lone wolf for the longest it really seemed like no one really like me, Casey got in good with Azlan and the other managers Gavin and Jose on the backwards shift. It was may own fault I wasn't pretty nor was I cool. I spent less time on that and more time noticing how the place was ran. The conditions were very inhumane, I remember being on the fourth floor four and it was unbearably hot. Heat headache after heat headache drove me wild and finally I gave in and went to Danielle. Who basically told me in so many words how there nothing she could do and basically I should start getting use to it because thats something that was normal around the warehouse. It drove me crazy, all I wanted to do was switch teams. However these were the cards I was dealt and I was falling behind. It seemed like every other week I was struggling to keep my job.
I was in a department where I had to count inventory and be numbed out like a zombie for 10 hours. The work was easy but I had a hard time staying up all night so I was constantly sleeping. Casey always covered for me and it worked most days. However the problems that everyone was starting to associate her with me at the time and it has taken me a very long time to break away from the stigma. The environment was harsh but the veterans there school you on everything that seemed relevant. I mean after all they knew how to survive the place. Breaks were ridiculous you spend more time walking to the break room then you did on your break and it felt like it wasn't worth it. However if you were in the farthest part of the warehouse and you left your station early to get a head start you would see your manager waiting downstairs for you. It wasn't fair, especially since they expected you to come back 3-5 min earlier, even then they didn't realize if you were in the farthest part of the building you wouldn't have been able to make it in time.
I was in a quality based department so the drive not to make errors in the inventory were vital. The problem was however they wanted rate as in you better move quick if you wanted etc count all your units for the week. It was absolute hell at the time, you couldn't go too fast without making errors but they made it a point to do so and they were never satisfied. The percentiles were crazy, if you only clocked in at 99% you would be given a write up, weather you agree with it or not. If the manager liked you, they would bypass it with HR. If they didn't, they would serve you. If you hated your department and you weren't good at it good luck getting out, also if you benefited the department by keeping's numbers high good luck getting out as well. The rules were weird and obviously not everyone including the managers followed them.
The food in the break room was the equivalent was the cheap wal-mart like stuff, you didn't have a choice if you were hungry. The switched out the expired stuff everyday but it didn't seem like it was good enough. Majority of people brought their lunch. Did I mention you couldn't take your phone past security? So you had no choice but to focus on the work all while trying to stay on task for the whole 10 hours. It was the hardest in my department considering it was so boring. If you had a family emergency you better handle it on your first break or there after because there isn't anything you could do. Get sick and have to go home? They use a point system so make sure you have your hours stacked up like they say. I have seen people throwing up all night with no hours and they had to grin and bear it because HR didn't consider us human beings.
Majority of the people I got hired with were gone after the 6 month, some people couldn't tough it and they wanted something better and I don't blame them, after a while I was longing for the same thing. However I was in a tight spot so I couldn't just leave. Overtime I tried to transfer I got stuck even after I started getting really good at my job. Now all of this is barely scratching the surface on what is actually going on at this place. So please consider this a part one as I will be continually adding to it as time goes on. Now I am not trying to deter anyone from working here I just want to tell my side of the story.
To be continued......
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Heart beats on the night stand.
He sat loosely in the chair as he stared in her direction. Her eyes were cold and soft and all she could do was wonder where he went wrong. He stayed quiet and let out a breath of reassurance, but he stayed confused just as she did. She slid her heels softly across the tile floor as she rose to a stand. He continued to stare as he kept still. She paced herself across the room as gently as she could. The man looked away as his heart started to race, he began to sweat and discreetly lost control of his breathing. The closer she came the harder it was to breath. The woman the places her hand on his shoulder and looks down at him. He keeps his eyes set across the room, trying his hardest not too meet hers. What was he scared of?
He was scared of the way she made him feel, he was scared of what she thought of him. It was written behind her eyes and he could escape it. He couldn't escape her beating heart, as it rang loudly in his ears. He felt like he was running as fast as he could but was stationary. He felt his skin crawl as she looked down at him. His heart skipped and he got light headed. He figured she could smell the fear, so he did his best to hold still. The air was so choked up he nearly passed out.
The woman on the other had dug her nails into his shoulder, as all her animosity boiled inside of her core. The animosity wasn't from him, it was from the world, and it weight heavily on her heart. All she could do was reflect on her experiences as she dug her nails deeper and deeper. Leaving the man in a state of shock with tears starting to roll down his face. His worst nightmare has been realized and it scared the life out of him. Every time he tried to run he found himself paralyzed under the weight of her hand and his consciousness, his thoughts raced and he started to sweat. Her nails were so deep in his arm its like he could feel her nails breaking the fabric of his shirt and his skin.
She continued thinking about the hurt she felt and she refused to let go under any circumstances. However the more she thought the more she got aggressive and craved to hurt the man. Her hand swiftly went from his shoulder to his neck. The man cried out in silence, letting it happen. As long as he didn't meet her gaze. He did his best to pull away but she tugged him back, all she wanted was his attention. She pulled him closer and closer and his resistance became stronger but he faltered. He turned his head and shifted in his seat. She let go when she realized he was cooperating, he took a deep breath as he turned to look deep in her eyes.
His worst fear has been realized, her cold blue eyes burned deep into his soul. His heart raced and he started to sweat. She stood there staring him down, with and intensity like the suns rays. He was paralyzed, he tried hard to catch his breath but it failed. Everything was tight but he couldn't look away. All the hate and animosity she had built up against him she projected it. Causing his chest to seize up leading him to his death. Later it would be stated that the man had died from experiencing every ounce of hurt he had put the woman through. The pain was to great and he couldn't handle it for the life of him. The woman then moved on to another man who met the same fate and so the cycle began.
He was scared of the way she made him feel, he was scared of what she thought of him. It was written behind her eyes and he could escape it. He couldn't escape her beating heart, as it rang loudly in his ears. He felt like he was running as fast as he could but was stationary. He felt his skin crawl as she looked down at him. His heart skipped and he got light headed. He figured she could smell the fear, so he did his best to hold still. The air was so choked up he nearly passed out.
The woman on the other had dug her nails into his shoulder, as all her animosity boiled inside of her core. The animosity wasn't from him, it was from the world, and it weight heavily on her heart. All she could do was reflect on her experiences as she dug her nails deeper and deeper. Leaving the man in a state of shock with tears starting to roll down his face. His worst nightmare has been realized and it scared the life out of him. Every time he tried to run he found himself paralyzed under the weight of her hand and his consciousness, his thoughts raced and he started to sweat. Her nails were so deep in his arm its like he could feel her nails breaking the fabric of his shirt and his skin.
She continued thinking about the hurt she felt and she refused to let go under any circumstances. However the more she thought the more she got aggressive and craved to hurt the man. Her hand swiftly went from his shoulder to his neck. The man cried out in silence, letting it happen. As long as he didn't meet her gaze. He did his best to pull away but she tugged him back, all she wanted was his attention. She pulled him closer and closer and his resistance became stronger but he faltered. He turned his head and shifted in his seat. She let go when she realized he was cooperating, he took a deep breath as he turned to look deep in her eyes.
His worst fear has been realized, her cold blue eyes burned deep into his soul. His heart raced and he started to sweat. She stood there staring him down, with and intensity like the suns rays. He was paralyzed, he tried hard to catch his breath but it failed. Everything was tight but he couldn't look away. All the hate and animosity she had built up against him she projected it. Causing his chest to seize up leading him to his death. Later it would be stated that the man had died from experiencing every ounce of hurt he had put the woman through. The pain was to great and he couldn't handle it for the life of him. The woman then moved on to another man who met the same fate and so the cycle began.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Some things never change: Chapter 2
Chapter 2: The Image
Adeline continued walking through the loud New York like setting, before reaching a tall blue house with a black metal gate around it. The grass was green and plush as it was freshly mowed, and two large oak trees took a generous amount of space. The pathway was long and paved with bricks lined up with a garden which seemed to disappear in the snow. Adeline pulled a key out of her coat and unlocked the gate, stepping in and quietly shutting it behind her as if she didn't want to startle the neighbors, who were out shoveling their driveway. She eased up the path examining everything in sight, particularly at the large porch where a dining set was placed. She made her way up the four steps and turned to face the deep red door. She reached down and pressed the doorbell a few times stopping to take a breath after. Inside she heard a muffled voice that of a woman, Adeline braced herself as if the worst was too come, she straightened out her hair and clothes and took one last deep breath before the door opened wide. A long haired woman about mid forties with glasses opened up the door and ripped them off before screaming "Honey you came"!! she yelled opening her arms wide and grabbing Adeline. As uncomfortable as Adeline was she smiled and hugged her mother back "hey mom, how's it hanging" she said "hold on let me get your father, come in sit down, eat if you want" the woman responded leading Adeline into the house. It was a large beautiful house with decorations everywhere and the walk in never disappointed with its array of family portraits lining the walls. Adelines' particularly favorite one was the one taken on her sixth birthday where she seemed to have noticed a cockroach easing its way up the large chocolate cake. She then screamed and climbed on the table and stomped all over the cake causing a casual sense of chaos among the other children. Her dad got a kick out of the whole situation and demanded the photographer to get a snapshot of his daughter and all her glory. Every year after that it became tradition to pop in the tape and watch it for laughs. Adeline smiled as she kept on down the hallway to the living room to find her father sitting on the couch petting the family cat Opie "Maddox sweetheart!! I'm glad you came, Opie was just heading out" he said turning and looking towards Adeline "Alex honey!! bring his bag" he screamed. Adeline smiled and made her way awkwardly to the couch and sat next to her dad, he put his arm around her and pulled her close giving her a warm hug. "How's my little rebel without a cause"? he asked "still trying to find my purpose i guess" Adeline responded. Within seconds her mom came strolling in with Opies' cat carrier "Sid I couldn't find the one grandma bought with the mesh lining" she said holding it up "that's fine love, whatever gets him there safely". Adelines parents were quiet and eccentric characters in and of the least, especially in the way they hoped Adeline would've been a boy something they both hoped and prayed on. They didn't want a gender reveal as they were entirely sure she was a boy and felt like the confirmation was a waste. To their surprise that day in the delivery room Adeline was a girl and as stubborn as her father was he didn't want to give up the name so they followed through. However her father over the years had a hard time accepting the new born femininity that he often made the mistake and indirectly and unintentionally treated her as a boy. From male driven advice, to getting her into sports, to even letting her pursue the idea of a tomboy. All of it failed when she grew her hair out and puberty came but none of it died in vain. "Mom why do you allow him to send the cat on vacation, its ridiculous" Adeline asked "Opie needs to get out too honey" she responded. They placed the carrier onto the coffee table and Opie a large tabby cat ran in and snugly laid down as Alex latched the carrier shut. Adeline stuck her fingers through the cage opening and pet the cat softly. "Don't worry darling he will be back in about two weeks time" Alex said. She picked the cat up and made her way to the front door where she grabbed another larger bag of supplies, Adeline stood up and rushed to the door to give her mom a hand. Once her mom was settled and made her way out of the door, Adeline walked back out and made her way back to her father who was now in the kitchen cutting an apple. "Dad what made you decide to name me Maddox"? Adeline asked leaning against the wall as she watched her father "your mom wasn't going for James Dean" he chuckled Adeline smiled "I could've been Jamie dean" she replied."We were aiming for something tough, but nothing typical so Maddox spoke to me. I was set on that name for the toughest first born bo-" He stopped and glanced at Adeline who seemed to frown indirectly "sorry honey i didn't mean to" he added as he stopped carving the Apple "its okay dad" she nodded. "Look at you now, you turned out beautifully" he said "I'm not so sure about that" Adeline replied and at that moment she reached in to her pocket to find her pack of cigarettes missing. Her eyes grew wild with fear "hold on dad" she said before running back into the living room. She rushed over to the couch and searched frantically between the pillows. She spotted them in the couch pillows and she snatched them and shoved them back in her pocket as she shuffled her way back to the kitchen with her father. "Everything okay love bug"? he said smiling softly at her. "Oh yeah, I thought I dropped my wallet" Adeline staggered as her face was covered with lies. She walked over and gave her father a hug. As she wrapped her hands around him he planted a kiss on top of her head "sweetie, you smell like cigarettes, tell Kaedis to smoke in a separate area, its getting in your hair". Adeline stared deeply into the floor too hide her guilt "I will dad next time I see him". Adeline pulled herself together as she looked up at him, she gave him a kiss on the cheek as they proceeded to go their separate ways "Tell mom I said bye , I have to get home and get ready for work" "will do". Adeline walked down the long hallway and let herself out through the front door. She made her way back in the direction she came as she strolled along wondering where the rest of the day will take her.
Adeline continued walking through the loud New York like setting, before reaching a tall blue house with a black metal gate around it. The grass was green and plush as it was freshly mowed, and two large oak trees took a generous amount of space. The pathway was long and paved with bricks lined up with a garden which seemed to disappear in the snow. Adeline pulled a key out of her coat and unlocked the gate, stepping in and quietly shutting it behind her as if she didn't want to startle the neighbors, who were out shoveling their driveway. She eased up the path examining everything in sight, particularly at the large porch where a dining set was placed. She made her way up the four steps and turned to face the deep red door. She reached down and pressed the doorbell a few times stopping to take a breath after. Inside she heard a muffled voice that of a woman, Adeline braced herself as if the worst was too come, she straightened out her hair and clothes and took one last deep breath before the door opened wide. A long haired woman about mid forties with glasses opened up the door and ripped them off before screaming "Honey you came"!! she yelled opening her arms wide and grabbing Adeline. As uncomfortable as Adeline was she smiled and hugged her mother back "hey mom, how's it hanging" she said "hold on let me get your father, come in sit down, eat if you want" the woman responded leading Adeline into the house. It was a large beautiful house with decorations everywhere and the walk in never disappointed with its array of family portraits lining the walls. Adelines' particularly favorite one was the one taken on her sixth birthday where she seemed to have noticed a cockroach easing its way up the large chocolate cake. She then screamed and climbed on the table and stomped all over the cake causing a casual sense of chaos among the other children. Her dad got a kick out of the whole situation and demanded the photographer to get a snapshot of his daughter and all her glory. Every year after that it became tradition to pop in the tape and watch it for laughs. Adeline smiled as she kept on down the hallway to the living room to find her father sitting on the couch petting the family cat Opie "Maddox sweetheart!! I'm glad you came, Opie was just heading out" he said turning and looking towards Adeline "Alex honey!! bring his bag" he screamed. Adeline smiled and made her way awkwardly to the couch and sat next to her dad, he put his arm around her and pulled her close giving her a warm hug. "How's my little rebel without a cause"? he asked "still trying to find my purpose i guess" Adeline responded. Within seconds her mom came strolling in with Opies' cat carrier "Sid I couldn't find the one grandma bought with the mesh lining" she said holding it up "that's fine love, whatever gets him there safely". Adelines parents were quiet and eccentric characters in and of the least, especially in the way they hoped Adeline would've been a boy something they both hoped and prayed on. They didn't want a gender reveal as they were entirely sure she was a boy and felt like the confirmation was a waste. To their surprise that day in the delivery room Adeline was a girl and as stubborn as her father was he didn't want to give up the name so they followed through. However her father over the years had a hard time accepting the new born femininity that he often made the mistake and indirectly and unintentionally treated her as a boy. From male driven advice, to getting her into sports, to even letting her pursue the idea of a tomboy. All of it failed when she grew her hair out and puberty came but none of it died in vain. "Mom why do you allow him to send the cat on vacation, its ridiculous" Adeline asked "Opie needs to get out too honey" she responded. They placed the carrier onto the coffee table and Opie a large tabby cat ran in and snugly laid down as Alex latched the carrier shut. Adeline stuck her fingers through the cage opening and pet the cat softly. "Don't worry darling he will be back in about two weeks time" Alex said. She picked the cat up and made her way to the front door where she grabbed another larger bag of supplies, Adeline stood up and rushed to the door to give her mom a hand. Once her mom was settled and made her way out of the door, Adeline walked back out and made her way back to her father who was now in the kitchen cutting an apple. "Dad what made you decide to name me Maddox"? Adeline asked leaning against the wall as she watched her father "your mom wasn't going for James Dean" he chuckled Adeline smiled "I could've been Jamie dean" she replied."We were aiming for something tough, but nothing typical so Maddox spoke to me. I was set on that name for the toughest first born bo-" He stopped and glanced at Adeline who seemed to frown indirectly "sorry honey i didn't mean to" he added as he stopped carving the Apple "its okay dad" she nodded. "Look at you now, you turned out beautifully" he said "I'm not so sure about that" Adeline replied and at that moment she reached in to her pocket to find her pack of cigarettes missing. Her eyes grew wild with fear "hold on dad" she said before running back into the living room. She rushed over to the couch and searched frantically between the pillows. She spotted them in the couch pillows and she snatched them and shoved them back in her pocket as she shuffled her way back to the kitchen with her father. "Everything okay love bug"? he said smiling softly at her. "Oh yeah, I thought I dropped my wallet" Adeline staggered as her face was covered with lies. She walked over and gave her father a hug. As she wrapped her hands around him he planted a kiss on top of her head "sweetie, you smell like cigarettes, tell Kaedis to smoke in a separate area, its getting in your hair". Adeline stared deeply into the floor too hide her guilt "I will dad next time I see him". Adeline pulled herself together as she looked up at him, she gave him a kiss on the cheek as they proceeded to go their separate ways "Tell mom I said bye , I have to get home and get ready for work" "will do". Adeline walked down the long hallway and let herself out through the front door. She made her way back in the direction she came as she strolled along wondering where the rest of the day will take her.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Some things never change
Chapter 1: Addie not Maddie
She picked up her feet and ran behind the brick building, panting as she put her back against the wall. She pushed her hair back and pulled cigarette from behind her ear. She placed it in her mouth as she searched her jacket and jeans for a lighter. She pulled the short grey lighter from her back pocket and sparked it, she lit her cigarette and took a long drag and held it deep in her lungs for about a minute. She released the smoke and closed her eyes as she laid her head back on the wall . She kept her eyes closed and continued to think. She continued to take long drags of the cigarette as she drifted deep in thought. As she stood there a tall lanky man with dark hair crept upon her in silence "Adeline"!! he screamed. The girl jumped and without notice started choking on the smoke in her lungs, she bent over coughing and wheezing "fuck" she said as she caught her breath . "What would your dad think if he caught you smoking?" the man said as he folded his arms "I'd like think he'd turn the other cheek" the girl said as she reached down and put out the cigarette. "Well he could also tell how eager you are too ignore him, so he just might" the man pointed out " atta boy" she responded shuffling her feet in the snow. "Why are you stalking me Keadis"? she asked him looking deep in his eyes. "Stalking! ha! hardly! I did nothing more then merely catch my ever so loving best friend trail her way too self destruction" he chuckled. "Are you patronizing me?" said Adeline as she zipped her hoodie and proceeded to walk. Keadis shrugged as he staggered to catch up with her pace. They both turned the corner and walked down the short ally covered in snow. The skylines were tall, with the clouds shifting above them. The closer they got too the main street the louder the world got. They weren't in New York but between the honking of every car and the fast pace movement of the people, you almost had the instinct to place yourself there. "I almost feel like i dont exist today" Adeline mumbled as she looked at the many faces passing her by. Some caught her gaze others however intently pressed on as if she never looked their way. "Maddy" Keadis responded trying to get her attention which in fact worked better then he thought "Addie" she hissed back. Adeline and Keadis had been friends for years but what only seemed to add up to a few months. He will always be her favorite person simply because he understood why she wanted to just be Adeline instead of Maddox the name given too her by her parents. "Why wont anyone other then you just let me be Adeline even Addie at the least!! Maddox is a ridiculous name" She stated grabbing Keadis by the arm "well you of all people should know why our parents give us such unholy names, its indirect payback for all the sleepless nights they endured on our behalf" he replied as he glanced down at Adeline who was fumbling with the buttons on the sleeves of her flannel . She felt his gaze and looked up at him " now whats the cure"? she asked "i think hookers" he responded and the both bursted into laughter. They pressed on down the busy sidewalk. The people moved swiftly around them as they kept their own pace. They surveyed the world, talking in all the motion around them. Adeline felt as ease with the world so she let go of Keadis and took a deep breath, once she exhaled she nodded at the world in approval. Keadis quickly checked the time on his watch, which flashed "11:37 am". "Here's a thought" he started "how about we slam some coffee first before i have to leave for work" he added. Adeline hesitated "how about you slam some coffee and we pretend i indulged as well" she started tracing the city with her eyes. "Oh that's right! your an anti coffee fascist, how could i forget" Keadis said playfully pushing her. "Oh you remembered i see, don't forget i did start the anti coffee consumerism rebellion" she responded sarcastically "your just a beast" Keadis shot back playfully. They both stepped off the sidewalk carefully inspecting the street for out of control vehicles. They waited until a sizable truck with a bear on the side passed by. They ran across, ending up on the other side in front of a modest but busy coffee shop called "caffeinate me". Adeline huffed out of frustration "why do you come here" she asked as she ran her hands through her dark hair, Keadis shot her a look "you ask me that everyday and i continually give you the same response". "Indulge me for the millionth time" she folded her arms "they have an exceptional amount of modern art" he stated. Adeline rolled her eyes as she stepped towards the door too pull it open, she whistled to get Keadis too look but he was busy gazing through the large window at a portrait of the ocean he was fond of. Something he found to be beautiful and annoying. Adeline whistled again which finally caught his attention, he walked towards her as she made her way in, he held the door open from behind before strolling in after. She stopped suddenly as did he when they had to make room for the people scurrying by looking for seats. The room was medium with an array of tables and chairs strategically spread out for the purpose of aesthetics. The dull wooden floors creaked under every step, it was never a bother since the place was usually packed and loud. Each table was sparsely decorated with artificial flowers standing in the glass with glittering fish rocks below them. Sheer fishnet table cloths elegantly draped each table shimmering in a variety of colors to give the room some more light. There were small candles cradled in aluminum off to the side waiting to be lit for leisure. They waited in line diligently behind a short and talkative blonde who was chatting away on her bluetooth. Once reaching the counter after what seemed like a 30 min wait Keadis scoured the menu before ordering "Hi how can we caffeinate you today" the employee said with a stare and uneasy smile as if he was new. "This Morning ill take a large coffee thats half hot chocolate with milk and 9 sugars" Keadis said as he reaches into his pocket for his wallet, the worker typed everything into register before revealing the price "is that all" he asked. Keadis looked back at Adeline to give her another chance. Although all she did was stare blankly back at him, "no that's all" he responded "the total is 7 .26". Keadis pulled open his wallet only to find he had six dollars so instead he pulled out a credit card and handed it off, "here you go" the cashier responded as he handed the card back. He then turned around to grab the cup that was waiting patiently behind him "Thank you" Keadis said playfully as he took the drink out of the mans hand, they both exchanged smiles before Keadis turned and eased his way too the wall where his favorite portrait hung, Adeline followed closely at his heels too avoid getting in the way. He stopped and appreciated it in its entirety as Adeline stepped to his side "explain" she daunted "I look at this and i feel personified, like there's more too me then anything i ever knew" he said "that's beautiful" Adeline looked at him endearingly. Keadis looked at his watch in horror " I'm going to almost be late, text me and we can get our lives together" seconds later Keadis ran out the door not looking back. Adeline stood there confused but she shrugged and looked around before walking out. Once outside she took out another cigarette and sparked it, pulling up her hood and walking in a familiar direction.
She picked up her feet and ran behind the brick building, panting as she put her back against the wall. She pushed her hair back and pulled cigarette from behind her ear. She placed it in her mouth as she searched her jacket and jeans for a lighter. She pulled the short grey lighter from her back pocket and sparked it, she lit her cigarette and took a long drag and held it deep in her lungs for about a minute. She released the smoke and closed her eyes as she laid her head back on the wall . She kept her eyes closed and continued to think. She continued to take long drags of the cigarette as she drifted deep in thought. As she stood there a tall lanky man with dark hair crept upon her in silence "Adeline"!! he screamed. The girl jumped and without notice started choking on the smoke in her lungs, she bent over coughing and wheezing "fuck" she said as she caught her breath . "What would your dad think if he caught you smoking?" the man said as he folded his arms "I'd like think he'd turn the other cheek" the girl said as she reached down and put out the cigarette. "Well he could also tell how eager you are too ignore him, so he just might" the man pointed out " atta boy" she responded shuffling her feet in the snow. "Why are you stalking me Keadis"? she asked him looking deep in his eyes. "Stalking! ha! hardly! I did nothing more then merely catch my ever so loving best friend trail her way too self destruction" he chuckled. "Are you patronizing me?" said Adeline as she zipped her hoodie and proceeded to walk. Keadis shrugged as he staggered to catch up with her pace. They both turned the corner and walked down the short ally covered in snow. The skylines were tall, with the clouds shifting above them. The closer they got too the main street the louder the world got. They weren't in New York but between the honking of every car and the fast pace movement of the people, you almost had the instinct to place yourself there. "I almost feel like i dont exist today" Adeline mumbled as she looked at the many faces passing her by. Some caught her gaze others however intently pressed on as if she never looked their way. "Maddy" Keadis responded trying to get her attention which in fact worked better then he thought "Addie" she hissed back. Adeline and Keadis had been friends for years but what only seemed to add up to a few months. He will always be her favorite person simply because he understood why she wanted to just be Adeline instead of Maddox the name given too her by her parents. "Why wont anyone other then you just let me be Adeline even Addie at the least!! Maddox is a ridiculous name" She stated grabbing Keadis by the arm "well you of all people should know why our parents give us such unholy names, its indirect payback for all the sleepless nights they endured on our behalf" he replied as he glanced down at Adeline who was fumbling with the buttons on the sleeves of her flannel . She felt his gaze and looked up at him " now whats the cure"? she asked "i think hookers" he responded and the both bursted into laughter. They pressed on down the busy sidewalk. The people moved swiftly around them as they kept their own pace. They surveyed the world, talking in all the motion around them. Adeline felt as ease with the world so she let go of Keadis and took a deep breath, once she exhaled she nodded at the world in approval. Keadis quickly checked the time on his watch, which flashed "11:37 am". "Here's a thought" he started "how about we slam some coffee first before i have to leave for work" he added. Adeline hesitated "how about you slam some coffee and we pretend i indulged as well" she started tracing the city with her eyes. "Oh that's right! your an anti coffee fascist, how could i forget" Keadis said playfully pushing her. "Oh you remembered i see, don't forget i did start the anti coffee consumerism rebellion" she responded sarcastically "your just a beast" Keadis shot back playfully. They both stepped off the sidewalk carefully inspecting the street for out of control vehicles. They waited until a sizable truck with a bear on the side passed by. They ran across, ending up on the other side in front of a modest but busy coffee shop called "caffeinate me". Adeline huffed out of frustration "why do you come here" she asked as she ran her hands through her dark hair, Keadis shot her a look "you ask me that everyday and i continually give you the same response". "Indulge me for the millionth time" she folded her arms "they have an exceptional amount of modern art" he stated. Adeline rolled her eyes as she stepped towards the door too pull it open, she whistled to get Keadis too look but he was busy gazing through the large window at a portrait of the ocean he was fond of. Something he found to be beautiful and annoying. Adeline whistled again which finally caught his attention, he walked towards her as she made her way in, he held the door open from behind before strolling in after. She stopped suddenly as did he when they had to make room for the people scurrying by looking for seats. The room was medium with an array of tables and chairs strategically spread out for the purpose of aesthetics. The dull wooden floors creaked under every step, it was never a bother since the place was usually packed and loud. Each table was sparsely decorated with artificial flowers standing in the glass with glittering fish rocks below them. Sheer fishnet table cloths elegantly draped each table shimmering in a variety of colors to give the room some more light. There were small candles cradled in aluminum off to the side waiting to be lit for leisure. They waited in line diligently behind a short and talkative blonde who was chatting away on her bluetooth. Once reaching the counter after what seemed like a 30 min wait Keadis scoured the menu before ordering "Hi how can we caffeinate you today" the employee said with a stare and uneasy smile as if he was new. "This Morning ill take a large coffee thats half hot chocolate with milk and 9 sugars" Keadis said as he reaches into his pocket for his wallet, the worker typed everything into register before revealing the price "is that all" he asked. Keadis looked back at Adeline to give her another chance. Although all she did was stare blankly back at him, "no that's all" he responded "the total is 7 .26". Keadis pulled open his wallet only to find he had six dollars so instead he pulled out a credit card and handed it off, "here you go" the cashier responded as he handed the card back. He then turned around to grab the cup that was waiting patiently behind him "Thank you" Keadis said playfully as he took the drink out of the mans hand, they both exchanged smiles before Keadis turned and eased his way too the wall where his favorite portrait hung, Adeline followed closely at his heels too avoid getting in the way. He stopped and appreciated it in its entirety as Adeline stepped to his side "explain" she daunted "I look at this and i feel personified, like there's more too me then anything i ever knew" he said "that's beautiful" Adeline looked at him endearingly. Keadis looked at his watch in horror " I'm going to almost be late, text me and we can get our lives together" seconds later Keadis ran out the door not looking back. Adeline stood there confused but she shrugged and looked around before walking out. Once outside she took out another cigarette and sparked it, pulling up her hood and walking in a familiar direction.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Who said stop following your dreams?
What do we do everyday? We are up and go to our jobs and work our lives away to keep the bills paid. This is the standard in modern day society it even dates back too the concept of the American dream. The problem now is we stopped having dreams and we submit our lives to never beginning careers. We find ourselves in this perpetual cycle day in and day out and we are starting too find ourselves sick of it but we don't do anything about it except take it.
I know this isn't really going to sound like a narrative like the stuff I usually write about but something in the last few days reminded me how my life is moving faster then ever but my dreams are getting left behind. I went too work one night in distress because I was tired of almost nearly getting fired from my job because I was tired to of being a mindless slave of the company. That very same night I found someone who had the same passion as me. A new hire from one of the other facilities. I caught him going up the elevator talking about how the shift in the department didn't make sense, basically how the company as a whole didn't make sense. Once we stepped out of the elevator it was crazy. All we could talk about is horrible everyone was treated and how they became a slave to the system.
It was true we worked day in and day out and we give our all everyday. However if you didn't hit the numbers you were nothing more then a waste of time but hat what it was like everyday but all anyone could focus on was weather or not they could make if they didn't have their job. It was sad and day in day out I was really getting tired of it and all I wanted to do was walk away but the problem with that was I was trapped between my kids and the bills so I had no choice but to deal with it. My job is as awful then as it is now and its only getting worse. The basis of my job is too be a robot and count inventory like a brainless drone. The only thing that can save me is my imagination and it was the worst. Its hard not to focus on the numbers and the fact that its only 6 hours in and my feet were pulsing. All I wanted to do is run out the door and never look. That dream will never be realized. Until the conversation in the elevator brought me back to life.
Now back tracking back to the conversation at hand. His name was Erin and he didn't realize he was about too change my perception forever and a day. The crazy thing was that his final realization came from Instagram it was quote that was going to change us both "they pay us salaries to give up our dreams". Once it reached my ears its like the world started spinning and everything at hand was turning in circles. I couldn't breathe and I was praying for a miracle as I did the walk of stress and despair back to my assigned position. I was isolated and alone with these thoughts screaming at me, I panicked and I had to take a breather in the bathroom. As soon as I came out I decided it was time for me to make an even break for it. I was stupid for considering spending the night because my dreams have always come first and always encouraged others to do the same. I went home and I tossed and turned and I finally decided I didn't want to be another person who doesn't follow through with what could have been. I was a skeptic though considering my dream was to be a writer and that its dreams like that, that don't pay the bills.
I went in a few days later and I talked to one of the most level headed co-workers I have and I asked him the big question "what are dreams made of and how do you get there". His answer was this "definitely not this place, take it month by month and keep working on yourself". I ate it up and I made sure my follow through game was strong. I have a lot of heart, always have and always will. I'm that person who will chase their ideas and dreams to the end of the earth if I have to. He told me I should start putting myself out there and submit my transcripts of everything I have ever written and to get out there and don't give up because its people like me who change the world because I'm not scared of what the world will throw at me. In that moment I knew he was right and as I ran off to go say hi to my many befriended co-workers, I kept replaying his words in the back of my head and I was set the rest of the night.
I need who ever reads this to realize that dreams don't become reality without work. That they're yours dreams because you have such a passion and such a fire in you, that you are willing to chase it down by any means necessary. It's not just believing in yourself its about coming out happy in the end weather you reached the goal or not and it's not settling for less and it never will be. Its about committing to that dream like its a full time job while not losing sight on why you fell in love with it in the first place. Everyone who's famous or a millionaire woke just like me and you and they never stopped even after they reached their goal. Keep going like nothing can stop you.
Now back tracking back to the conversation at hand. His name was Erin and he didn't realize he was about too change my perception forever and a day. The crazy thing was that his final realization came from Instagram it was quote that was going to change us both "they pay us salaries to give up our dreams". Once it reached my ears its like the world started spinning and everything at hand was turning in circles. I couldn't breathe and I was praying for a miracle as I did the walk of stress and despair back to my assigned position. I was isolated and alone with these thoughts screaming at me, I panicked and I had to take a breather in the bathroom. As soon as I came out I decided it was time for me to make an even break for it. I was stupid for considering spending the night because my dreams have always come first and always encouraged others to do the same. I went home and I tossed and turned and I finally decided I didn't want to be another person who doesn't follow through with what could have been. I was a skeptic though considering my dream was to be a writer and that its dreams like that, that don't pay the bills.
I went in a few days later and I talked to one of the most level headed co-workers I have and I asked him the big question "what are dreams made of and how do you get there". His answer was this "definitely not this place, take it month by month and keep working on yourself". I ate it up and I made sure my follow through game was strong. I have a lot of heart, always have and always will. I'm that person who will chase their ideas and dreams to the end of the earth if I have to. He told me I should start putting myself out there and submit my transcripts of everything I have ever written and to get out there and don't give up because its people like me who change the world because I'm not scared of what the world will throw at me. In that moment I knew he was right and as I ran off to go say hi to my many befriended co-workers, I kept replaying his words in the back of my head and I was set the rest of the night.
I need who ever reads this to realize that dreams don't become reality without work. That they're yours dreams because you have such a passion and such a fire in you, that you are willing to chase it down by any means necessary. It's not just believing in yourself its about coming out happy in the end weather you reached the goal or not and it's not settling for less and it never will be. Its about committing to that dream like its a full time job while not losing sight on why you fell in love with it in the first place. Everyone who's famous or a millionaire woke just like me and you and they never stopped even after they reached their goal. Keep going like nothing can stop you.
Monday, May 15, 2017
How stupid in love can you be?
Now let me take you on an adventure with Jake. From his business, to just taking a trips and seeing sights. He had some of the craziest ideas and often I ran with it like and idiot but this particular trip was gonna make me look three times as bad. We never really put together why love drove us to do stupid things and when we try to figure it out we just get our feelings hurt and it sucks. So heres a narrative in which you all can judge me for.
Now where should I begin? Lets start with the fact that Jake had been planning a vacation trip for us for the longest and that he was going to take me the very city when he had all of this planned in a few months in advance. Now where were we going exactly? Any City north of California for some reason. So we packed up the morning before and got all our stuff ready. We met up halfway and we caught a ride in my car. There were certain parts of the drive where I had to hide in the backseat because Jake indulged in shady activities with his friends. So he always says it was best that none of them see me.
When we actually got on the road driving city through city things got rough. Jake didn't really talk to me, however when he did it was really smug and he found new ways to hurt my feelings. I didn't care at the time, I had accepted him for who he is. He sort of understood that, in so many paraphrases I guess you could say. Jake was always heart broken and in his feelings when it comes to past relationships and the way he let you into his heart. The drive itself was exhausting and we never really made long trips of this manner, we didn't even make that many stops. His music was loud and his thoughts are far out there, he can't be reached. I kinda hated it and made my to the backseat to listen to my music.
The worst part of the trip was the fact that he had the windows down and it was freezing cold. Jake didn't care the point of the trip is that its supposed to be comfortable for him. We come to find out were on our way to Oregon. No need to explain why because I never really got that answer myself to be honest. We had a hell of a time once we got there. We went on a mission for cash and a motel room for the night.Our personalities never clicked and we always ended up arguing and we could never figure it out but this day seemed to be going smooth. He had done his daily runs and he dropped me off at this Starbucks for a few hours and I watched movies most of the time.
So now the next phase of the trip was that we found a nice motel to stay at and it was cute little place if you disregard the types of people who were standing around. Things were great we got there and got settled in and I showered and collected my thoughts. It was a long trip and I was tired and I couldn't get it together. Jake was exhausting me with his constant nagging about the quality of his life and making my stomach turn with his lane shifting. Other then that I was ready to relax.
Well heres where things go awry a little bit. I get out of the shower and I am dressed. Everything is going smooth until I get out of the shower and Jake decides to tell me he has a friend who's coming by and that I have to drive about the town for a few hours. Naturally I got mad and of course we argue, he tried to sweet talk me and naturally it almost worked and it was working until I found out that this friend was an ex of his. It was a fight over the car key at first and boy was that something awkward. I mean think about it Jake is 6'2 and weighs like 200lbs he could obliterate me if he wanted to. Good thing he didn't, he just got mad enough to throw MY stuff back into the car and give the key just to tell me "don't come back until the morning".
I was crying and I was mad as shit, so what did I do? I did exactly that I drove around Oregon through the summit of a mountain until I finally calmed down and collected my thoughts and I decided to back until he texts me about her spending the night with him. While I slept in the car, I was mad all over again and I slid my car off the side of a mountain (safely, missed a tree by a few inches) I got back on the freeway and I decided the best thing for me and my heart was too go back to Cali and let the bitch he was with take care of him.
Well heres the part where I turn into the biggest idiot on the plant. I slept in the car and I forgave him, as we stupidly drove home the next morning. I felt like an idiot but I couldn't explain it I was in love. I learned from it though and I learned the way Jake works. Other girls will always come before me. Love makes us do stupid things trust me, so with that being said if your significant other isn't treating you like they're your everything the feel free to leave and don't subject yourself to that. You are worth more then that.
Now where should I begin? Lets start with the fact that Jake had been planning a vacation trip for us for the longest and that he was going to take me the very city when he had all of this planned in a few months in advance. Now where were we going exactly? Any City north of California for some reason. So we packed up the morning before and got all our stuff ready. We met up halfway and we caught a ride in my car. There were certain parts of the drive where I had to hide in the backseat because Jake indulged in shady activities with his friends. So he always says it was best that none of them see me.
When we actually got on the road driving city through city things got rough. Jake didn't really talk to me, however when he did it was really smug and he found new ways to hurt my feelings. I didn't care at the time, I had accepted him for who he is. He sort of understood that, in so many paraphrases I guess you could say. Jake was always heart broken and in his feelings when it comes to past relationships and the way he let you into his heart. The drive itself was exhausting and we never really made long trips of this manner, we didn't even make that many stops. His music was loud and his thoughts are far out there, he can't be reached. I kinda hated it and made my to the backseat to listen to my music.
The worst part of the trip was the fact that he had the windows down and it was freezing cold. Jake didn't care the point of the trip is that its supposed to be comfortable for him. We come to find out were on our way to Oregon. No need to explain why because I never really got that answer myself to be honest. We had a hell of a time once we got there. We went on a mission for cash and a motel room for the night.Our personalities never clicked and we always ended up arguing and we could never figure it out but this day seemed to be going smooth. He had done his daily runs and he dropped me off at this Starbucks for a few hours and I watched movies most of the time.
So now the next phase of the trip was that we found a nice motel to stay at and it was cute little place if you disregard the types of people who were standing around. Things were great we got there and got settled in and I showered and collected my thoughts. It was a long trip and I was tired and I couldn't get it together. Jake was exhausting me with his constant nagging about the quality of his life and making my stomach turn with his lane shifting. Other then that I was ready to relax.
Well heres where things go awry a little bit. I get out of the shower and I am dressed. Everything is going smooth until I get out of the shower and Jake decides to tell me he has a friend who's coming by and that I have to drive about the town for a few hours. Naturally I got mad and of course we argue, he tried to sweet talk me and naturally it almost worked and it was working until I found out that this friend was an ex of his. It was a fight over the car key at first and boy was that something awkward. I mean think about it Jake is 6'2 and weighs like 200lbs he could obliterate me if he wanted to. Good thing he didn't, he just got mad enough to throw MY stuff back into the car and give the key just to tell me "don't come back until the morning".
I was crying and I was mad as shit, so what did I do? I did exactly that I drove around Oregon through the summit of a mountain until I finally calmed down and collected my thoughts and I decided to back until he texts me about her spending the night with him. While I slept in the car, I was mad all over again and I slid my car off the side of a mountain (safely, missed a tree by a few inches) I got back on the freeway and I decided the best thing for me and my heart was too go back to Cali and let the bitch he was with take care of him.
Well heres the part where I turn into the biggest idiot on the plant. I slept in the car and I forgave him, as we stupidly drove home the next morning. I felt like an idiot but I couldn't explain it I was in love. I learned from it though and I learned the way Jake works. Other girls will always come before me. Love makes us do stupid things trust me, so with that being said if your significant other isn't treating you like they're your everything the feel free to leave and don't subject yourself to that. You are worth more then that.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Mom thinks I did the unthinkable
Now I want to take you back to my teen years where I had the most scaring incident in my entire life. It gave me different view and different comfort area around my brother at some point in time. Any male related person in that case as well if you ask me, the whole incident was weird and it did scar me a bit in the later years, even had an effect on the type of porn that I watched but thats a whole other thing. I know I'm not making any sense but when you find out what happened, you will figure out why my brain is super scrambled.
Being 17 was wild that year and I had found the time to get myself in heaps of trouble. There was a point where I got caught outside the night before with a got named Able that I met online. We didn't do anything we just made out in his backseat and talked about record labels. Don't get me wrong we tried to do stuff but the space wasn't right. I got caught outside by my dad that night. Next thing you know he tells my step brother and I end up biting him on the nose to get him to let me go. After that I ran out of the apartments and I made my way too my boyfriends college and I went in to see the counselor and I told him everything that happened. A very important person in my life had just passed so I guess you could say I wasn't coping very well.
The safe house for teens were cool but I want to fast forward where I start living with my estranged mother in her house where a few of her friends live. That was crazy, I never pictured the day where I would end up living with my psychotic LSD fueled druggie mom, If you would have told me then, I wouldn't have believed it. Most days are level other days it was so loud you couldn't sleep. However what triggered things was the first day my brother came home and all three of the rooms were filled so we watched a movie on the couch together, nothing wrong with that right. I laid my head down on his lap watching the movie. Who came up walking down the stairs, our mother who quickly but silently snatched me by hair and told me "We don't do nasty hoe shit keep your p**** off of my son"and she pushed me to the floor. My brother was arguing in the background calling her all types of names. They took it out front as I lay there crying on the side of the couch.
My brother comes back to comfort me and remind me that mom was always going withdrawals and thats why she has weird thoughts like that. I got use to it, every time she we would see us together she would throw dirty looks and seedy remarks. We paid it no mind at the time and we hung out at the time and we continued to hang out and would sit on his lap like I used to do because he was so much older then me. Everything was fine, until one day he goes away and we start texting. The convo always got hyper sexual, and it started to make me feel weird. What made the situation worse was when I sent a topless pic of me to him instead of my then boyfriend. It wasn't weird because all he responded back was "sexy, guys like those".
I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong because he would always tell me "don't feel weird Ada I'm your brother Im a guy who can tell what other girls like people are stupid this isn't nasty". To me at the time getting my ass handed to me in the emotionally abusive house hold, that was the only comfort I had. So I rolled with it and talked about it and sent pics everyday the problem was his comforting tone turned more aggressive and all I could here is "If mom finds out about this she's throwing you out, you're the whore not me, nasty" or "mom warned me about you and your promiscuity didn't think you were this sick". It made my skin crawl and he would always get on me about it and it sucked. What could I do he was right, but its not like we actually did anything. As long as we kept it over text we were good.
That was going great for awhile and mom dropped her suspicions. Things were peaceful up until a week later she's accusing of banging her second boyfriend. That took awhile to die down because she was telling he whole family even though nothing was ever proved. After that me and him stopped talking and he getting into meth pretty good. One day he comes home and decides to spend the night after a weekend binge and we tell him okay we can split my room, now if guess what the worst idea was I feel like this one for sure was on the list. He's in there passed out on the floor and guess who has to get ready for a date me, so I figure if I throw all the blankets on me and get dressed fast with the lights off he won't see anything and everything was fine until I had to find the phone going off in room and silence it before anyone woke up. Keep in mine I am butt naked holding the girls, my brother is passed out on the floor somewhere.
Unfortunately I tripped over him in the dark and he freaks out pinning me down, I was trying to wiggle out from under him and all he did is hold me down "Chantal you dog what are you doing in my private space" he's groping my neck and breasts as I try and get his attention. The shocker?! Mom rushes in the room and turns on the light to find her kids caught in the worst act. I figured you seen this coming, but what you didn't expect her to walk in and then later grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the kitchen. My brother is freaking out saying who thought I was and that he was too high. Mom didn't buy it, she was convinced we were doing the dirty. That story spread like wild fire but not the part she left me at a target too sleep but thats another story. To this day we were cool and no one spoke of it in the long run.
The story spread through the family and some believed it and some did not and they dragged my name through the mud and it really hurt how I viewed my brother. My whole world was twisted and I had the most surreal experience and it didn't seem real and that these stories only happened on the internet but it was happening to me and it was making me crazy I didn't like the potential reputation this could lead too but it turned out I was other thing and that I was getting delusional. It breathed some life into me for the most part. However nothing ever came of it except a crazy girlfriend and the occasional estranged brother of mine other then that my dignity was the only thing thats was lost through out this ordeal but I learned from it.
Being 17 was wild that year and I had found the time to get myself in heaps of trouble. There was a point where I got caught outside the night before with a got named Able that I met online. We didn't do anything we just made out in his backseat and talked about record labels. Don't get me wrong we tried to do stuff but the space wasn't right. I got caught outside by my dad that night. Next thing you know he tells my step brother and I end up biting him on the nose to get him to let me go. After that I ran out of the apartments and I made my way too my boyfriends college and I went in to see the counselor and I told him everything that happened. A very important person in my life had just passed so I guess you could say I wasn't coping very well.
The safe house for teens were cool but I want to fast forward where I start living with my estranged mother in her house where a few of her friends live. That was crazy, I never pictured the day where I would end up living with my psychotic LSD fueled druggie mom, If you would have told me then, I wouldn't have believed it. Most days are level other days it was so loud you couldn't sleep. However what triggered things was the first day my brother came home and all three of the rooms were filled so we watched a movie on the couch together, nothing wrong with that right. I laid my head down on his lap watching the movie. Who came up walking down the stairs, our mother who quickly but silently snatched me by hair and told me "We don't do nasty hoe shit keep your p**** off of my son"and she pushed me to the floor. My brother was arguing in the background calling her all types of names. They took it out front as I lay there crying on the side of the couch.
My brother comes back to comfort me and remind me that mom was always going withdrawals and thats why she has weird thoughts like that. I got use to it, every time she we would see us together she would throw dirty looks and seedy remarks. We paid it no mind at the time and we hung out at the time and we continued to hang out and would sit on his lap like I used to do because he was so much older then me. Everything was fine, until one day he goes away and we start texting. The convo always got hyper sexual, and it started to make me feel weird. What made the situation worse was when I sent a topless pic of me to him instead of my then boyfriend. It wasn't weird because all he responded back was "sexy, guys like those".
I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong because he would always tell me "don't feel weird Ada I'm your brother Im a guy who can tell what other girls like people are stupid this isn't nasty". To me at the time getting my ass handed to me in the emotionally abusive house hold, that was the only comfort I had. So I rolled with it and talked about it and sent pics everyday the problem was his comforting tone turned more aggressive and all I could here is "If mom finds out about this she's throwing you out, you're the whore not me, nasty" or "mom warned me about you and your promiscuity didn't think you were this sick". It made my skin crawl and he would always get on me about it and it sucked. What could I do he was right, but its not like we actually did anything. As long as we kept it over text we were good.
That was going great for awhile and mom dropped her suspicions. Things were peaceful up until a week later she's accusing of banging her second boyfriend. That took awhile to die down because she was telling he whole family even though nothing was ever proved. After that me and him stopped talking and he getting into meth pretty good. One day he comes home and decides to spend the night after a weekend binge and we tell him okay we can split my room, now if guess what the worst idea was I feel like this one for sure was on the list. He's in there passed out on the floor and guess who has to get ready for a date me, so I figure if I throw all the blankets on me and get dressed fast with the lights off he won't see anything and everything was fine until I had to find the phone going off in room and silence it before anyone woke up. Keep in mine I am butt naked holding the girls, my brother is passed out on the floor somewhere.
Unfortunately I tripped over him in the dark and he freaks out pinning me down, I was trying to wiggle out from under him and all he did is hold me down "Chantal you dog what are you doing in my private space" he's groping my neck and breasts as I try and get his attention. The shocker?! Mom rushes in the room and turns on the light to find her kids caught in the worst act. I figured you seen this coming, but what you didn't expect her to walk in and then later grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the kitchen. My brother is freaking out saying who thought I was and that he was too high. Mom didn't buy it, she was convinced we were doing the dirty. That story spread like wild fire but not the part she left me at a target too sleep but thats another story. To this day we were cool and no one spoke of it in the long run.
The story spread through the family and some believed it and some did not and they dragged my name through the mud and it really hurt how I viewed my brother. My whole world was twisted and I had the most surreal experience and it didn't seem real and that these stories only happened on the internet but it was happening to me and it was making me crazy I didn't like the potential reputation this could lead too but it turned out I was other thing and that I was getting delusional. It breathed some life into me for the most part. However nothing ever came of it except a crazy girlfriend and the occasional estranged brother of mine other then that my dignity was the only thing thats was lost through out this ordeal but I learned from it.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Announcements!!
I JUST WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT THE POSTING SCHEDULE HAS CHANGED AS OF STURDAY.
INSTEAD OF POSTING EVERYDAY LIKE WE NORMALLY DO. WE ARE GOING TO SLOW IT DOWN TO EVERY OTHER DAY.
WE ARE STILL TAKING SUBMISSIONS SO FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME AT EITHER E-MAIL ADDRESS AND WE WILL REVIEW YOUR SUBMISSSION FOR POSTING.
ALSO WE WILL BE ADDING SHORT STORY CONTET TO THE BLOG WHICH WILL HAVE EXPERIENCES INCLUDED IN THEM AS WELL.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT WE LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU ARE THE REASON THIS BLOG IS AS GREAT AS IT IS.
INSTEAD OF POSTING EVERYDAY LIKE WE NORMALLY DO. WE ARE GOING TO SLOW IT DOWN TO EVERY OTHER DAY.
WE ARE STILL TAKING SUBMISSIONS SO FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME AT EITHER E-MAIL ADDRESS AND WE WILL REVIEW YOUR SUBMISSSION FOR POSTING.
ALSO WE WILL BE ADDING SHORT STORY CONTET TO THE BLOG WHICH WILL HAVE EXPERIENCES INCLUDED IN THEM AS WELL.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT WE LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU ARE THE REASON THIS BLOG IS AS GREAT AS IT IS.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Gym crusades
I think the hardest thing I ever had to do was go back to the gym. After two kids my body and my confidence were in the toilet and it sucked. So I get this wild hair up my ass and decide the best thing in the world for me was to go back to the gym and build my confidence, also what didn't help was my weight lifting friend was always posting pictures of her toned out self. So I figure I could do it if she can do it, so can I.
The hardest thing about going back to the gym was the part where I had to pull myself together in the car and no have a heart attack on the way in. After that I decided to flake, sounds awful yes but what can you do. I felt like I wasn't cut out for the gym anymore simply because I had gained all this new found baby weight and as far as I know people in my age group were having a hard time losing the weight and things like that. So I figure I was just going to fail and be the latter. I had spent all my days in the mean time obsessing on how I was going to back and what schedule I wanted to be on, simply because I had to have enough time to go to sleep and what not. Usually I made the time other times I got too lazy and decided to switch up my rest days waitlist complaining on why I could never lose weight.
One afternoon when I had the money I swallowed the courage to go in and sign up, the beauty of it was that I got a discount and that there was no backing out now. I went in and got in depth tour with one of managers there, and boy was he fit. He helped me set goals and set me up with a personal trainer. I felt confident after that, plus the man didn't look half bad if you ask me but then again the really cute girl at the desk was one who initially caught my eye. I felt good about myself I signed my paperwork and next thing you know I am at target trying to pick out work out clothes. I picked out a sports bra and coordinated outfit, I didnt have the shoes down just yet but it was only week one.
I went to the gym my first day and the one thing I started with was the treadmill. I wasn't really a runner but this time I didnt have a choice if you ask me I was super desperate to burn the fat. I hopped on the treadmill and did my best too figure out the buttons, not to mention I was already feeling self conscious about myself to begin with. I felt like people were staring at me and that made me feel even more weird if you ask me. Once I got the ball rolling it was great I would walk on the treadmill for about an hour and work my way up to a run. Keep in mind that I was feeling stupid a good portion of the time however that was normal I was told, things didn't get awkward until you had to wipe down the machines. Then you have to go search the whole place for a spray bottle it was the worst. If you didn't wipe down the machines people would stare you down into oblivion it was a mad place.
I didn't help you being fat on the treadmill and can only run for 5 minuets straight when the person next to you could go for an hour. It really made you feel small. I did my best not to subject myself in that manner. Weights were a whole different story because now you have to sit there for 5 minuets trying to figure out how to work the machine and how much you can lift while the person across the way stares at you with their really loud music and sweat filled exhaustion. After a while you pick a different direction too look in and you mind your own business. You would see a lot of the same people in the morning unlike you would in the afternoon but it felt great to walk out of that place trying to catch my breath with my limbs feeling like Jelly.
After a month of commitment, I finally found my place, Raquetball. Where it had great cardio and great people. I was apart of a real team for the first part of my life. Even though they were like a decade older then me it felt good. They had their jobs and I had mine and I really felt committed. Even on my selfish days where I only wanted to hit the weights or play a game by myself. The locker rooms were crazy, I never really got to see the body types up close but I didn't feel self conscious in there like I always do. I gained so much confidence I could breathe again, and thats where I spent all of my time in, I considered it a safe place. I was more on a mission to build muscle more then I was on anything else, so I went out and dedicated myself to those nasty protein drinks those body builders subjected themselves to. Those hit hard and there was no getting use to it in my opinion. I made sure to try out the pool every once in awhile but I cut that short since the pool was shallow and I kept swallowing the water.
Now lets fast forward about three month, did I lose any weight? No and I kinda fell of going to the gym since my car was in the shop like every other week but I do catch myself at different gyms from time to time and it feels nice to be back. Other days I feel stupid for starting over and my stomach is in knots but I always find new ways to get it together. I do wanna start trying new things. Boxing is definitely number one on my list.
The hardest thing about going back to the gym was the part where I had to pull myself together in the car and no have a heart attack on the way in. After that I decided to flake, sounds awful yes but what can you do. I felt like I wasn't cut out for the gym anymore simply because I had gained all this new found baby weight and as far as I know people in my age group were having a hard time losing the weight and things like that. So I figure I was just going to fail and be the latter. I had spent all my days in the mean time obsessing on how I was going to back and what schedule I wanted to be on, simply because I had to have enough time to go to sleep and what not. Usually I made the time other times I got too lazy and decided to switch up my rest days waitlist complaining on why I could never lose weight.
One afternoon when I had the money I swallowed the courage to go in and sign up, the beauty of it was that I got a discount and that there was no backing out now. I went in and got in depth tour with one of managers there, and boy was he fit. He helped me set goals and set me up with a personal trainer. I felt confident after that, plus the man didn't look half bad if you ask me but then again the really cute girl at the desk was one who initially caught my eye. I felt good about myself I signed my paperwork and next thing you know I am at target trying to pick out work out clothes. I picked out a sports bra and coordinated outfit, I didnt have the shoes down just yet but it was only week one.
I went to the gym my first day and the one thing I started with was the treadmill. I wasn't really a runner but this time I didnt have a choice if you ask me I was super desperate to burn the fat. I hopped on the treadmill and did my best too figure out the buttons, not to mention I was already feeling self conscious about myself to begin with. I felt like people were staring at me and that made me feel even more weird if you ask me. Once I got the ball rolling it was great I would walk on the treadmill for about an hour and work my way up to a run. Keep in mind that I was feeling stupid a good portion of the time however that was normal I was told, things didn't get awkward until you had to wipe down the machines. Then you have to go search the whole place for a spray bottle it was the worst. If you didn't wipe down the machines people would stare you down into oblivion it was a mad place.
I didn't help you being fat on the treadmill and can only run for 5 minuets straight when the person next to you could go for an hour. It really made you feel small. I did my best not to subject myself in that manner. Weights were a whole different story because now you have to sit there for 5 minuets trying to figure out how to work the machine and how much you can lift while the person across the way stares at you with their really loud music and sweat filled exhaustion. After a while you pick a different direction too look in and you mind your own business. You would see a lot of the same people in the morning unlike you would in the afternoon but it felt great to walk out of that place trying to catch my breath with my limbs feeling like Jelly.
After a month of commitment, I finally found my place, Raquetball. Where it had great cardio and great people. I was apart of a real team for the first part of my life. Even though they were like a decade older then me it felt good. They had their jobs and I had mine and I really felt committed. Even on my selfish days where I only wanted to hit the weights or play a game by myself. The locker rooms were crazy, I never really got to see the body types up close but I didn't feel self conscious in there like I always do. I gained so much confidence I could breathe again, and thats where I spent all of my time in, I considered it a safe place. I was more on a mission to build muscle more then I was on anything else, so I went out and dedicated myself to those nasty protein drinks those body builders subjected themselves to. Those hit hard and there was no getting use to it in my opinion. I made sure to try out the pool every once in awhile but I cut that short since the pool was shallow and I kept swallowing the water.
Now lets fast forward about three month, did I lose any weight? No and I kinda fell of going to the gym since my car was in the shop like every other week but I do catch myself at different gyms from time to time and it feels nice to be back. Other days I feel stupid for starting over and my stomach is in knots but I always find new ways to get it together. I do wanna start trying new things. Boxing is definitely number one on my list.
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