We left off at some weird point in my life where I was mutilating myself or something along the way there was also all the emotional abuse from like Jake (because you know, my life didn't play out in order in this wild adventure of non-sense). I am here today to tell the final episode of Jake....so here goes ill do my best not to unblock him and have him end up in my life (again).
I think the worst part about the way it ended was that it didn't phase either one of us it was a constant hassle of wanting money, wanting sex, emotional detachment especially on his end but of course I found myself in the middle once again. Sitting in the car crying after overtime he touched me and did my best to block out the sick things he would whisper in my ear as he stole away my dignity in one swoop. I resented him and I resented him up until the very point where he told me that the day he punched me and gave me a black eye. Haunted him in his every dreams. That was the fire that kept me going and I constantly tortured him with it.
We argued like cats and dogs and when he put his hands around my neck for the last time and told me that he owned me. I had a change in my feeling because I wasn't scared anymore and I felt like I could have walked away and not blinked and eye. The only thing that kept me going was when he would tell me he loved me on multiple occasions and even though deep down I knew he didn't mean it I rode the wave of lies that was eventually going to drown him and me.
Deep down Jake was a great person it was just that he let all his demons consume him and it was scary. However when you go through war we went through for three years it seemed like nothing in comparison. I just know he felt like I was the problem and therefore he always blamed me for the inconsistencies that came up in his life and I guess you could say it was my fault because I wasn't trying to make him a better person. I was feeding the demons that fueled him because I WANTED TO SEE JUST HOW FAR IN THE DARK he was. I'm not going to lie and he was a dark person from all the things that he did that I cannot speak of at the moment.
You just get tired of feeling empty and alone all the time so you start to realize that there isn't anything there and thats the point we got to. He knew it when he sent me a message saying how toxic I was and that we needed to find a lot of time apart because he hated me. I remember not really feeling anything except like thank god this man is going to be out of my life. He wasn't we started talking within the next month after that. Yeah I know I make poor choices. The rape that was going on jumped of one last time before he decided that I wasn't good enough to talk to him if I didn't have money.
The best part out of the situation was that I got to have the last word and he was mad but it was after that, that I realized that I couldn't keep him around anymore because it was messing me up as a human being and it was ruining my very existence and I have worked very hard to be the person I have become the only issue now is that I have seen so many things in the last three years with him that I don't know how to undo the things he did to me. I'm doing my best to not let it carry through my relationships and social interactions but it has and now all I do is crave him and I wish I didn't because he didn't give a damn about me in the first place. Its that very feeling that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Moral of the story: Like Halestorm said " I miss the misery"
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