Lets go back to a few days ago (I want you to know that this narrative is out of order so don't be worried when I don't highlight on certain details). Anyways back to where I was going with this before I actually interrupted myself, I was invited to go spend the weekend with my lovers family (I will talk more about them later) Just know this was a huge thing and it was more like a family reunion in a more offset sense. Thats ne of those things that we are going to leave out as well (I know what you're going to say). I promise on the next post I write that I will fill in all the ugly holes and make them beautiful again.
Now for those of you who dont know me and that is most of you. I want you guys to know that I have social anxiety and on top of that I'm also and introvert. So what that means for me in large social situations is that I freeze up and worst case worse I cant breathe and I start to panic and everything feels small. Things, get louder, lights get brighter, and everything starts moving way to too fast. Im sorry this is the worst way to describe this situation. I get overstimulated and its the scariest feeling in the world to me. However if I smoke I tend to even out and clearly be able to handle the situation.
Anyways I am making my way out of their room and down the hall, as me and them are inching our way down the hall we get close and closer to the point of interest. I was getting really comfortable quite quickly I was really shocked with myself. they did the oddest thin though, they took a few steps back and I kind of felt sad about wanting to back track as well and I also felt bad that I am going to waste all that progress we just made. It was fine, I tried to tap myself into making my way out there but one again I couldn't do it. They tried their best to ease me out there by turning the lights on, that left me standing there halfway in the hallway looking at me phone while they were in the kitchen getting a beverage.
Finally they come back over and with doing in hands, they looked me in the soul and grabbed my hand and I swore they were leading me into everything I dreamed of. It was still really hard and I did stop and pet his dog and we had a small morbid conversation about it. It was minuets after that their mom stands up and crosses paths with me and she says hi to from a distance and that prompted everyone else in the room to greet me and provide seating arrangements. It was pretty nerve racking of course but I calmed down and I breathed as they all eased me into conversation, keeping it at a level that I could handle. You know considering the circumstances.
That was is and I know I had them right there making me feel warm and snug and like a comfort zone. That didn't prepare me for the worst though, the worst being the food talk. Everyone knows Im not good when it comes to talking about food, there have been the past posts where we discussed eating disorders and things of that nature...So that automatically put me on the spot and they tried to help by bringing up a restaurant he thought would suffice everyone. It kinda of worked until it was that, that I had to place the order that everything went downhill from that point on.
I remember not being able to breathe, my chest was heavy and I could feel their eyes combing over my skin. I had a really bad case of the chills, the room was spinning, and I held my breathe even further just to try and take the attention as much as I can off of myself as possible. Its almost how I felt when I had to run across the GA line at work while they are working on their part of the car, I felt bad about it because I wasn't really sure where to go and it was kind of a nuisance but anyways there I go getting off of track again. It was an awful feeling and I tried to pull it together but it wasn't working. In these situations I get bad to a point where I don't speak and I try to consume the noise with silence and sometimes it gets hard but it can be done but the worst case worse things went from bad to worse on occasion.
I started sitting there in silence and things got even more cringy when it came to their mom stepping out and getting in on the conversation. I felt so welcome but also so terrified, I felt like the little weird girl her child use to sneak over and have relentless sex with. However things feel so much more whole and with the sign language between me and lover things were going just fine. I actually went to the car and got a restart on my high and of course I gave into food like they all pressured me to and thats wha we did we sat there we all passed stories down the room and then finally after all the goodbyes we had a one on one with their mother and it felt nice to blend in. To me thats what being apart of the family is what that felt like and god was it amazing. All I will say is, that I indeed have the time of my life.
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