My Journey into Body mod pt 3.

This is just a gallery of the new tattoos I have received since my first one!!! Enjoy














                      

Can we say third times a charm?

The greatest moment in history I have to say has happened to me and its the most incredible experience I could have imagined. I didn't see it coming and I guess that was the scary part all I am gonna say is. If you haven't read "First love but no last love" please go read that post first so you can fully understand who I am talking about and it gives you more insight into this new situation. All I can say is I am definitely happy now and that's the best part about it.

Well those of you who read the first part know about Daniel and our background and that should make this post seem a bit more intimate. Well It all started off with a simple text. Him initiating a hangout, and it was so intense. All I remember thinking was how this is going to feel in the next few months or so. Or what it was gonna feel like if he left this time around and how bad that was gonna hurt  considering the first few times he left he hurt deeper wounds than imagined but I guess that's where we leave that because we are onto more positive things.

I remember getting the text and once again being on cloud nine. That made me kinda clam up though and almost freak out but I breathed and I brought myself back to planet earth. It was wild especially the first time he into the car with me, go he looked absolutely amazing but he didn't really age too much but he does have a baby face I guess that doesn't really matter either. I couldn't really compose myself, especially since he was taking me out on a date. We went for Mexican food and I had to bring one of my midgets. Which was fine with him but the problem was that I was spending so much time on the midgets that I wasn't really giving him enough time.

I didn't think it was gonna go any farther then that to be honest, but it didn't stop from him taking my breathe away every time he touched me. He was just as soft as I remember him and I guess there's the nostalgia in that. It was amazing and I didn't really see myself out there without him. I didn't know where he stood so I didn't want to bring up old feelings. However but I knew he was just in love with me as I was with him and we really emerged greater people. there were points where he could see right through me. Seeing my soul for what it was and it shook me  to the very core.

Some nights I thought I could feel him next to me and all I did was dream about him. However we weren't really ready to jump into anything and make a scene right then and there? I still ask myself but after spending time in the backseat and seeing the world with him everything felt right, but it took a couple  of hangouts for us to realize where we wanted to be and he made that clear when we had a short conversation after sushi about the father to my kids. It turns out that the reason he hadn't scooped me up sooner he didn't want any disrespect between my ex and his family. Well that wasn't necessarily a thing but I remember he grabbed my hand and gave it a kiss.

It was at that moment that he decided and I decided that we were ready to become a thing for a final time and hopefully it would work out. The scenario was so wild and it still tickles my soul everyday but we were so in love and obsessed with each other it was magical and I wouldn't trade it for then world. Now we go out often and we talk about everything imaginable and we lose each other and find each other in the best way possible.
I still nearly drown in his ocean blue eyes but I guess that's my fault I still regret not spending enough time with him the first time we hung out that I am learning how to make up for it.

Now in the last post I talked about a party. That was a family hangout and it was great, he nurtured me the best he could and he also showed me all these fun things and even when I'm mad at him he still lays next to me as close as he can even if I don't want to be touched and its what I imagine heaven feels likened his voice is what I image heaven sounds like. Its so crazy how we have gotten this far and I never thought it could be but the craziest things happen during the best time. Im trying to teach him how to love himself and so far it seems like it could all work out

Moral of the story, first time Love always can come back to you. Its a powerful but it doesn't happen to everyone and the ones it does happen for indulge in it and embrace the magic the comes with it.

Competeing with comfort zones

Today's narrative is about comfort zones. The reason I am touching on this today is to point out the many times , I have found myself displaced and yearning for a just a small piece of the comfort zones that I have but you know what I managed to learn through the whole experience.

Lets go back to a few days ago (I want you to know that this narrative is out of order so don't be worried when I don't highlight on certain details). Anyways back to where I was going with this before I actually interrupted myself, I was invited to go spend the weekend with my lovers family  (I will talk more about them later) Just know this was a huge thing and it was more like a family reunion in a more offset sense. Thats ne of those things that we are going to leave out as well (I know what you're going to say). I promise on the next post I write that I will fill in all the ugly holes and make them beautiful again. 

Now for those of you who dont know me and that is most of you. I want you guys to know that I have social anxiety and on top of that I'm also and introvert. So what that means for me in large social situations is that I freeze up and worst case worse I cant breathe and I start to panic and everything feels small. Things, get louder, lights get brighter, and everything starts moving way to too fast. Im sorry this is the worst way to describe this situation. I get overstimulated and its the scariest feeling in the world to me. However if I smoke I tend to even out and clearly be able to handle the situation.

Anyways I am making my way out of their room and down the hall, as me and them are inching our way down the hall we get close and closer to the point of interest. I was getting really comfortable quite quickly I was really shocked with myself. they did the oddest thin though, they took a few steps back and I kind of felt sad about wanting to back track as well and I also felt bad that I am going to waste all that progress we just made. It was fine, I tried to tap myself into making my way out there but one again I couldn't do it. They tried their best to ease me out there by turning the lights on, that left me standing there halfway in the hallway looking at me phone while they were in the kitchen getting a beverage.

Finally they come back over and with doing in hands, they looked me in the soul and grabbed my hand and I swore they were leading me into everything I dreamed of. It was still really hard and I did stop and pet his dog and we had a small morbid conversation about it. It was minuets after that their mom stands up and crosses paths with me and she says hi to from a distance and that prompted everyone else in the room to greet me and provide seating arrangements. It was pretty nerve racking of course but I calmed down and I breathed as they all eased me into conversation, keeping it at a level that I could handle. You know considering the circumstances.

That was is and I know I had them right there making me feel warm and snug and like a comfort zone. That didn't prepare me for the worst though, the worst being the food talk. Everyone knows Im not good when it comes to talking about food, there have been the past posts where we discussed eating disorders and things of that nature...So that automatically put me on the spot and they tried to help by bringing up a restaurant he thought would suffice everyone. It kinda of worked until it was that, that I had to place the order that everything went downhill from that point on.

I remember not being able to breathe, my chest was heavy and I could feel their eyes combing over my skin. I had a really bad case of the chills, the room was spinning, and I held my breathe even further just to try and take the attention as much as I can off of myself as possible. Its almost how I felt when I had to run across the GA line at work while they are working on their part of the car, I felt bad about it because I wasn't really sure where to go and it was kind of a nuisance but anyways there I go getting off of track again. It was an awful feeling and I tried to pull it together but it wasn't working. In these situations I get bad to a point where I don't speak and I try to consume the noise with silence and sometimes it gets hard but it can be done but the worst case worse things went from bad to worse on occasion.

I started sitting there in silence and things got even more cringy when it came to their mom stepping out and getting in on the conversation. I felt so welcome but also so terrified, I felt like the little weird girl her child use to sneak over and have relentless sex with. However things feel so much more whole and with the sign language between me and lover things were going just fine. I actually went to the car and got a restart on my high and of course I gave into food like they all pressured me to and thats wha we did we sat there we all passed stories down the room and then finally after all the goodbyes we had a one on one with their mother and it felt nice to blend in. To me thats what being apart of the family is what that felt like and god was it amazing. All I will say is, that I indeed have the time of my life.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Living in two different places and commuting?

I think the weirdest situation that I found myself in was when I started living in two different places and not working in either of those places. I found myself in this situation because I jumped into a new relationship. It all started with a dating app! Yes everyone they actually work!! Now who gets to start their stories off like that! Anyways this is a narrative about why spreading yourself thin location wise is a headache (at least for me)...


Well I was in my room one day and I found myself on the OKC dating app. I believe I have mentioned it before in one of my other posts but I’m just going by the standard success that I achieved. Although I didn’t think I was gonna be spreading myself so thin. So I met my Trans Boyfriend Eden well obviously before that we weren’t a thing,  anyways moving on let’s fast forward to the part where we both work at Tesla. Sounds like a plus right! Now let me go back and add that Eden lives in an entire two cities away and even though it was only a 45min drive it felt like a lifetime when it comes to getting off of work and then having to catch an hour and a half commute home vs my standard 14min drive home. Keep in mind I still lived with my ex at the time and I was looking for a roommate anyways so of course I didn’t think about it and just ran with it (like always).

Now let me throw in what happened before that, I remember being at work and finding out that Eden had his car break down on the side of the road. Now I wasn't sure how that was affecting me at the time because I was kissing boys behind the boxes at work. Although knowing me I will always come to the rescue for people. . I remember trying to send some money over but of course like everything else in life im bad at it what also factored into that was I have no boundaries when it comes getting myself into the negative with my bank card. (Okay sit and judge me all you want im still young and making it in the world). Anyways the moral of the story was that I was stupidly nice back then. Okay so that was a thing it worked he got home safe and we continue to talk more and more.

Im talking the whole nine, the good morning and goodnight stuff, we were already planning to meet each other on the weekend. I feel like I also need to filter down to the fact that we were like on a snapchat binge for a little bit but anyways that’s besides the point once again. I found myself once again stuck with this huge crush. Just wait til I start telling you guys about the weekend, I get to his place and he’s just so bubbly and ecstatic and all I could do was get so facinated. Facinated to a point that I remember both people need to convey outward interest to keep the conversation going. His voice was like a harp and that’s what I at least felt at the time as I time went on I have come to the conclusion his voice is one of the more positive things I reflect on when it comes to talking about this. Things actually turned great after that I meant his two daughters and we cuddled. Now right before this I went to the bar so I was pretty smashed so I slept a little bit and sobered up before I made the long two hour drive. The cuddling was great. I never really get this with other people and I guess you could say that that was the part that was scaring.

I guess you could say when I moved in things worked out for the greater well of course as they say the first 6 months is the hardest and I can steel you I have been well versed in that very statement since me and him even started taking this thing forward and and to the heights that we took it. Anyways  forget the sappy love stuff okay and lets get back to location. picture living int the middle of two cities thats an hour from each direction. Got that? Okay now picture traveling from either location to be twice as long as the trip in the middle was. Now factor in that you have 3 main locations in all 3 of these options. Forexample: Kids stay in the middle place and you and your new boo stay in the location the left of the house in the middle now factor in your job on the opposite side. 

It was not easy let me tell you, I can also tell you that the only way me and Eden were working out was not so good at the time and by not so good I meant all we could really do was be together on the way to work and back home (until he switched his shift and then that in of itself was very annoying if you ask me of course and he actually came back to earth). I remember two places more then anything else right now, one being the shuttle we were constantly on and of course the inside of my car. I cant remember Edens apartment so much anymore more. His two daughters got sick so he had to quit to be there for him, hell it was so sad I almost gave up my job to help him out (good thing I didnt otherwise this whole experience thing would definitely be fucked). It was everyday almost non-stop get up early afternoon and drive to the bus stop, wait there ...ect

A routine like that will really eat you up on the inside especially when its cold but you both were sow emerged in your own way of thinking that you become a slave to the routine. I didnt want to be like that. I spent so much time driving I couldn't really remember where I was going from time to time and it was really frustrating and sometimes I would have dreams about t3he job and that was the worst! Not to mention I was eating a good array of fast food and that was doing it pretty bad for me considering I could barely keep up with the gym. So I guess you could say that getting fat was definitely in my future even though I did my best to keep up with the salads and other awkward dietary changes.

This went on for a couple of grueling months but it all came to an end when Eden decided he was gonna dump me right before New Years and it was just between me living in the home in the middle and my job and boy did it cut down on my travel time. I felt like I was getting more sleep and really felt like I had more time to just play around, masturbate and just be myself in the long. Although with work and school up my back it seems like the entire living situation go really blown out there so here I am back to the drawing board once again.

Moral to the story? Commuting is hard and its not for the weak. So iff you wanna challenge yourself. Try to commit to commuting somewhere and for those of you that do it and are holding strong great job you guys you have this for sure!!!

Thought provoking or Provoking thoughts

The world as a whole is crazy. My reasoning? We build emotional attachments to our phones and when the battery dies we sell our souls for the charger. Its hard to eat and sleep and exist when the world is constantly posting cute cat pics on Facebook. Every second of your life is an update and we swim around the world fishing for likes. We breathe in filters and drown in the delusion that we are different people when in reality we don't know who we are. 

We know we are confused we figured that out when we use to tell ourselves to stop getting in the car with strangers but we have developed a weird level of trust. So that all the evil that is running rampant in the world we have still found ourselves getting into the car of those strangers we once told ourselves not to get into the car with. Don't take candy from strangers they also said but what do you do when the candy turns into drugs, pills that you so desperately seek for that you go out and find random strangers who supply the type of candy the gets you higher then mount Everest.

We are all so confused we say we set the goal on the ground when in fact it was actually an apiary. We were so busy looking down that when we finally looked up it was indeed a whole new world and now me made ourselves drunk with nostalgia and that's all we crave. We are an interesting people so interesting it is far beyond belief but day after day I keep choosing to give it a second doubt shame on me...

My journey into body mod: PT 3 Body art

Well everyone I have a surprise for you both of which came back to back and both of which I am in love with and very proud of. As of NOV. 5 I had gotten my first custom tattoo on my forearm. I was something I had come up with a few months prior and decided I was gonna let it sit on the shelf until I was ready, however I decided that since I wasn't getting any younger what was the reason for waiting this time around.
                                                       

Its kind of a bad picture and it wraps around but I figured it was a start until I can get more decent pictures of it. The custom piece is called "Daydream with me" and its written in greek in the cloud that surrounds her head. Then point of the art piece was that since people always say I have my head in the clouds that I should start there. The cloud turns into a rain cloud to symbolize how emotional I am, hence the Pisces symbol on her back. That also pays along with the puddle of water that she's sitting in and I guess you could say that the rest is history.

The piece was done at Emerald Tattoo the Elk Grove location and the credit goes to my artist Trevor, who spent three lovely hours on my piece to make sure the vision was realized. The experience wasn't too bad but I did find that it hurt exceptionally they had to constantly wipe the color away. It was extra sore in some spots but it didnt bleed like I thought it would so I guess you could say thats its kind of a relief. The process was pretty awesome and me and Trevor click very well

I have gotten 3 more since then (all by Trevor and I will put them up next Body Mod chronicle). My tattoo has since then healed and I will say the worst part of the process was keeping up with the ointment   and the peeling (flakes and more flakes everywhere, however I loved the look it was that of a snake). It didnt really itch like most people told me to expect it to so I guess I am grateful for that. I did have some inflammation in both of my forearm tattoos, not sure what made it happen but they are both back to normal, So it looks like I will keep an eye out for that overall its been about 5 months for this one and its still going strong and being at work all of the time keeps me out of the sun for the most part. 

Alright thats all I wanted to add I will keep you guys posted  :)